THE 



Acts of Kie-gs 



V3 
^^3 



ACTS OF THE FIRST AND SECOND KINGS 

OF 

THE FIRST PROVINCE, ONCE VIRGINIA. 

INCLUDING THE DOINGS OF THE FIRST AND SECOND TYCOONS 
OF THE CITY OF RICHMOND, 

FBOM THE SUERENOER TO THE PRESENT TIME. 

BY y 

J. MARSHALL HANNA, 

ASSOCIATE EDITOR OF THE "SOUTHERN OPINION." 

NEW YORK: 

p. W. Cai^eton, Publishei\^ 

LONDON: S. LOW, SON, & CO. 

MDCCCLXVIII. 



/ 



\\'L^ 



Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1868, by 
GEO. W. CARLETON, 

In the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the Southern District of New York. 






^/t 



PREFACE 



These chapters were printed, originally, in the columns 
of the '' Southern Opinion," as the eyents thej celebrate gave 
birth to them; but the edition of copies, weekly, having 
been exhausted before the demand was supplied, the author, 
prompted by their generous reception, and yielding to the 
solicitations of friends, has concluded to submit them to the 
public in the present collected form, with the chapters 
arranged in the order of occurrence which their text re- 
hearses, revised and corrected. 

The Author. 



CONTENTS. 



INTRODUCTORY. p^^^ 

History of the Reign of the First Tycoon. — He delivereth up tlie City to the 
Captain of the JMorthmen, who dethroneth him, and reigneth in his Stead. 
— He groweth wroth, and sendeth for King Sora, who comforteth him 
" in a Horn." — The people make Choice of a chief Ruler, and a Man-of 
War, and the Captain of the Northmen "warneth" him. — The Magis- 
trates choose from among themselves a Ruler, even a Tycoon II., who 
reigneth 5 

CHAPTER I. 
The King appointeth a City Assessor, even his own Brother 12 

CHAPTER II. 
The King removeth the Lawgivers of the City 16 

CHAPTER III. 
The King commandeth that the People be sealed anew. — The new Registra- 
tion.— A Son of Ham, all the way from Hanover, come to seal 22 

CHAPTER IV. 
The new Lawgivers of the City appointed by the King. — The Tycoon teach- 
eth them 29 

CHAPTER V. 
The Tycoon presenteth the King with a couple of "Dorgs" 34 

CHAPTER VI. 
The King appointeth a new Governor over the Province 37 

CHAPTER A^II. 
The Distribution of Place. — The Elect complaineth against the King because 
he hath not remembered them 44 

CHAPTER VIII. 
A Lamentation because of the King, who stirreth up the City with a Gen- 
eral Order 54 

CHAPTER IX. 
The King removeth the Tycoon and appointeth another, even a second Ty- 
coon. — A new King reigneth over the Province 57 

CHAPTER X. 
The King moveth a Peg or two — but feeleth his "Way warily 61 

CHAPTER XL 

The Tycoon purgeth the Mandarins, and gathereth the Heads of them that 
are disloyal 65 

CHAPTER XIL 
The King removeth him that gathered Tithes for Taxes, and appointetli a 
Succetibor in his Stead 69 



THE ACTS OF KINGS. 



INTRODUCTORY CHAPTER 

IX THE J 

HISTORY OF THE REIGN OF THE FIRST TYCOON. 



HE DELIVERETH UP THE CITY TO THE CAPTAIN OF THE NORTH- 
MEN, WHO DETHRONETH HIM, AND REIGNETH IN HIS STEAD. 

HE GROWETH WROTH, AND SENDETH FOR KING SORA, WHO 

COMFORTETH HIM " IN A HORN." THE PEOPLE MAKE CHOICE 

OF A CHIEF RULER, AND A MAN OF WAR, AND THE CAPTAIN 

OP THE NORTHMEN " WARNETH " HIM. THE MAGISTRATES 

CHOOSE FROM AMONG THEMSELVES A RULER, EVEN A TYCOON 
II., WHO REIGNETH, 

1. And it came to pass the twelfth year of the reign of 
the Tycoon of the Ruffled Bosom, that there was war in all 
the land. 

2. And the hosts of the Northland strove against the 
hosts of the Southland. And the hosts of the Northland 
were like unto locusts, so exceeding great that they could 
not be numbered. 

3. And they came up and encompassed the chief city of 
the Southland, and it fell, for the hosts of the Southland, 
though valiant, were few in numbers. 

4. Now, when the Tycoon and Chief Ruler heard that the 
chief city had fallen, he got him up very early in the morn- 
ing, even before the crowing of the cock, or bitters time. 

5 



6 The Acts of Kings, 

and taking with him certain great men of his privy council 
and wines for a peace offering, went out in his chariot to 
meet the hosts of the Northmen advancing from the North. 

5. And when the Tycoon came in sight of the hosts of the 
Northmen, and saw that they were great and terrible, he 
was not loth to strengthen himself with a little of the wine 
he had brought along as a peace offering. 

6. And when the chariot of the Tycoon had drawn nigh 
unto the Captain of the Northmen, the Tycoon made haste 
to alight therefrom, and rent his ruffles, and bowed himself 
exceedingly low to the ground, so that he kissed it ; thereby 
causing an unexpected rent in the seam of his hindermost 
garments. 

7. And wdien the Captain of the Northmen saw the wine 
that the T3-coon and Chief Ruler had brought forth as a 
peace offering, he " smiled." 

8-. And the Tycoon and Chief Ruler, seeing that the Cap- 
tain had " smiled," and esteeming himself as less than a 
grasshopper before him, " smiled " himself, as also did they 
that were with him. 

9. And it came to pass that when all had " smiled," and 
the Tycoon had rent his ruffles yet a second time, and also 
his breeches yet more, by reason of his exceeding low bow- 
ing, that he laid the key of the city at the feet of the Cap- 
tain of the Northmen, and was lifted into his chariot, he and 
they that were with him, and straightway returned to his 
own place. 

10. But when the Captain of the Northmen came up to 
possess the city he had taken, he drave the Tycoon and 
Cliief Ruler from his Temple, and sat in the seat of the 
Tycoon himself, by virtue of the keys he had given him. 

1 1 . And when it came to' the ears of the Tycoon that the 
Captain of the Northmen had defiled his seat, he was 
exceeding wroth. 

12. And rose up and rent his ruffles j'ct a third time, and 



T7ie A cts of Kings, 7 

spat in his bosom, and took counsel with King Sora, his 
Scribe, as to what the people should do. 

13. And they "smiled" together for the first time in 
many days. 

14. For, said the Tycoon and Chief Ruler, ex-officio, I 
will seek consolation where I will be sure to find it, — in a 
horn. 

15. And King Sora straightway saddled and mounted his 
ass, and took his departure into the wilderness of New 
Kent, hard upon the river, there to become a tiller of the 
soil and shoot his biped namesake in season. 

16. Now it came to pass in the second month of the 
dominion of the Northmen, and the rule of the Captain, 
who sat in the seat of the Tycoon, that the people with one 
accord began to cry out. Give us a Tycoon and Chief 
Ruler of our own, to be chosen from among ourselves. 

17. And they gave them back the Tycoon, and First Ruler 
whom they drave from the throne, to rule over them. 

18. And King Sora, when he heard of it, made merry 
within himself, and journeyed back to the city on his ass. 

19. For, said he, am I not Scribe to the Tycoon, and 
Chief Ruler of the city? 

20. And it came to pass, but not strangely, that when 
the Tycoon lifted up his spectacles, and saw King Sora on 
his ass, he " smiled." 

21. And the Tycoon and Chief Ruler went into his seat in 
the Temple, and King Sora, the Scribe, sat beside him. 

22. But certain of the Tribe of Freedmen, who had been 
bondsmen before the coming of the Northmen, murmured 
greatly against the Captain of the Northmen. 

23. For the Chief Ruler had afflicted them with stripes, 
each according to the measure of his ofiending. 

24. And the tribe sent messengers, gifted with "gab," to 
the King of the Northmen, saying. We will not have this 

Give us one of our own tribe, — 



8 The Acts of Kings, 

Fields Cook, the Caterer, or Loinax Smith, the Barber, to 
sit in the seat of the T3^coon. 

25. But the King would not, but gave unto the messengers a 
writing, which being brought to the Captain of the North- 
men, he straightway arose and drove the Tycoon and Chief 
Ruler forth from his seat yet a second time, and sat therein 
himself. 

26. For, said he, I will be Chief Ruler yet awhile until 
these people " reconstruct" themselves. 

27. And the Tribe of Freedmen, when they saw the 
Tj^coon and Chief Ruler driven forth, and the Captain of 
the Northmen sitting in his seat, they howled and danced 
the Dervish, and clapped their hands for joy, and said, 
Dus far de Lord hab helped us. 

28. And King Sora, when he saw what was being done 
to the Tycoon and Chief Ruler of the city, was sore dis- 
mayed, and got astraddle his ass, and belabored him into 
the wilderness of New Kent again. 

29. And it came to pass after the space of four months, 
and in the fifth moon of the dominion of the Northmen, 
that the Captain thereof made proclamation to all the 
people, to the end thereof that they should assemble and 
choose a Tycoon and Chief Ruler from among their own 
nation. 

30. And the Tycoon and First Ruler made haste, and sent 
messengers to King Sora, his Scribe* 

31. And King Sora came out of the wilderness of New 
Kent, belaboring his ass, for she could hardly get along fast 
enough for him. 

32. For there was no grass in New Kent ; the locusts had 
devoured it all. 

33. And the Chief Ruler that had been, commanded King 
Sora to blow a trumpet, that the Southmen might know that 
he desired to be the chosen of the people. 

34. And they that did dwell in Rocketts, and Butchertown, 



The Ads of Kings, g 

and Screamersville, and Sydney, and other pleasant places 
round about the chief city of the Tycoon, when they heard 
the braying of the trumpet, knew what it betokened, and, 
being in expectation of much free whiskey, shouted as with 
one voice : O Tycoon, live forever ! 

35. Now, the pricked ears of the Captain of the North- 
men caught the sound of the braying trumpet and the shout- 
ing of the multitudes, while yet sitting in the seat of the 
Tycoon, and his countenance changed to a boiled lobster hue. 

36. And he counselled with his Scribe, who sat in the seat 
of King Sora, saying. This man defileth us. 

37. Straightway he caused messengers to be sent to the 
Tj^coon privately, saying. Thou shalt not sit again in the 
seat of the Chief Ruler, neither shalt thou put thyself 
forth as the choice of this people, for I have sworn it. 
Selah. 

38. And when the Tycoon had heard the messengers he 
" smiled," and went forth among the people in a great rage, 
so much so, that he did rend his last remaining ruffle, and 
his hindermost garment yet again a fourth time, lest, perad- 
venture, the people should say he acquiesced to the "powers 
that be." 

39. And the Southmen, when they saw that their Tycoon 
and Chief Ruler was no more to reign over them in his place, 
laid hold on one Sturdyvent, a mighty man of valor, who 
had helped them with big' guns in the war upon the 
Northmen. 

40. And the Northmen who dwelt in the city laid their 
heads together, spitting in each other's ears, saying. Let us 
defeat the machinations of our enemies. 

41. And they brought forth a man of Peace, who was at 
the same time a Taylor, and a Grocer, and eschewed politics, 
tobacco, whiskey, and evil ways. 

42. And it came to pass that when the people came 
together to cast lots which of the two should serve then) as 



lo The Acts of Kings. 

Tycoon and Chief Ruler, that the man of Peace " went 
under," and the man of War was lifted up, and chosen to sit 
in the seat of the Tycoon, and the temple thereof. 

43. But when he would have sat in the seat of the Tycoon, 
as Chief Ruler, and the chosen of the people, there came a 
messenger, saying. Thou shalt not sit in the seat of the 
Tycoon, to which this people have chosen thee, for thou hast 
helped this people to war against our King. 

44. So said the messenger to all the servants chosen by 
the Southmen, who had helped them to make war upon the 
Northmen, save one, who kept the records of the city. 

45. For, said the messenger, thou art a rebellious set, and 
not to be trusted, not even with pop-guns, nor an extra 
ration. 

46. '• Reconstruct" yourselves, and then will we give unto 
thee a Tycoon, to be chosen from your own nation, to rule 
over you. 

47. And when the magistrates, and chief men, and their 
servants, heard what the messenger had said unto them, they 
trembled, and their knees grew weak and smote one against 
the other, and they waxed sore afraid and vexed ; for, said 
one, These men will devour us without sauce. 

48. And they sent to the Captain of the Northmen mes- 
sengers skilled in diplomacy, and oily of tongue, to inter- 
cede for them. 

49. And the messengers bowed very low when they came 
into the presence of the Captain of the Northmen, sitting in 
the seat of the Tycoon. 

50. Peradventure, they licked his boot. 

51. And the Captain, seeing that they were sorely vexed 
and afraid, and that their knees smote one against another, 
gave answer to their petition, to the end that all the servants 
of the cit}^, chosen by the people, might purify then^selves 
by subscribing to the oath of the King, save Sturdyvent, 
who would be Tycoon and Chief Ruler, and Marmaduke, his 



The A cts of Kings. 1 1 

Counsellor, who, being valiant men of war, had miichl}^ helped 
the Southmen to war a2:ainst the Kinsj. 

52. Then the magistrates said, Let us choose one from 
among ourselves who shall be Tycoon and Chief Ruler, even 
Tycoon the II. 

53. And they drew lots, and the lot fell upon a middle 
man, albeit a Chandler, even a tallow-chandler, a grocer, who 
had neither been for peace nor war, and who was as a babe 
in the law alphabet. 

54. And they anointed him with an oath, adding there- 
unto equal parts of whiskey and water, and sat him up 
in the seat of the Tycoon, to be their Chief Ruler and 
Recorder, even Tycoon the II. 

55. And when the Tycoon of the Ruffled Bosom heard all 
this, he lifted up his spectacles and wept sore, wiping his 
eyes with a red bandanna, and, taking along his " Guide," 
went up into the mountain of the south-west ; for, said he, 
the glory of the Tycoon- ship hath departed from me forever. 
Selah. 

56. And when this was told King Sora, he saddled his ass 
and departed again into the wilderness of New Kent ; for, 
said he, I am Scribe to the Tycoon no more forever. Selah. 

57. And when Andrew, of the Tribe of Freedmen, who 
kept the Temple, saw the "situation," he dropped his duster 
and moaned. Now, am I no more servant to the Tycoon 
forever. Selah. 

58. And the Tycoon's favorite cock in the basement 
flapped its wings and crowed, Selah. 

59. And his favorite mocking bird, swinging in its cage, 
answered, Selah. 

60. And Tycoon the II., who is a Chandler, is Chief 
Ruler of the city, and reigneth in his stead. Selah. 

61. Here endeth the history of the first, and beginneth 
the history of the second Tycoon. 



12 



The A cts of Kings. 




CHAPTER I. 

THE KING APPOINTETH A CITY ASSESSOR, EVEN HIS OWN 
BROTHER. 



1. And it came to pass, in the second year of the reign 
of King Schofield, and the third year of the dominion of 
the five Southern kings appointed to reign over the ten 
Southern provinces, that the city of the Seven Hills was 
sorely afflicted. 

2. And the city assessor, one Dabney, surnamed Miller, 
a man of good report, sinned greatly, because of his hank- 
ering after filthy lucre, and, as alleged against him, did, 
as an unfaithful servant of the people, make false returns of 
grievous assessments put upon certain publicans in the 
matter of licenses assessed against them for the privilege of 
opening shops, and selling in the market-places of the city. 

3. And the publicans began to murmur greatly against the 



The Acts of Kings, 13 

city, and against the unjust assessor, saying : This man 
assesseth us wrongfully, and maketh us to give double tithes ; 
one tithe of which he sinketh into his own purse, and the 
residue into the treasury of the city. 

4. And the publicans, being thus grievously put upon, 
agreed together among themselves to "go for" the unjust 
assessor ; and they went for him. 

5. And -their going was noised about the city so sorely 
afflicted. 

6. And when it came to the ears of the Counsellors, the 
wise men of the city, who ruled therein, and feared the 
King, they were greatly troubled. 

7. And when they were gathered together by a swift- 
'running messenger, and w^ere all assembled together in the 
Council Chamber of the Hall of Justice, the}'- sent for the 
publicans who had been so grievously put upon to come unto 
them. 

8. And they came, and with them came a great cloud of 
witnesses, and much testimony. 

9. And when the Counsellors had listened to the com- 
plaints of the publicans, their aged eyes were opened and 
they saw ; 

10. Saying, They have the dead wood on him ; let us go 
for him. 

11. And they went for him, the unjust assessor Dabney, 
surnamed Miller, and removed him from office, and took 
away from him the little tally-books wherein he had written 
the names of the publicans he had so grievously put upon. 

12. And Dabney, whose surname is Miller, was very 
wroth, and as soon as it had come unto his ears, he went 
straightway and saw a man. 

13. But the Counsellors sent a message to the King, 
setting forth all that had been done, and saying, We pray 
you that you appoint not a successor until such time as 



14 The Acts of Kings, 

we shall mind you ; for our city hath been grievouslj^ dealt 
with, and her people are badly off for tithes. 

14. And the Counsellor, David, surnamed Saunders, who 
went messenger unto the King, made a salaam before the 
King, bowing very low, and went his way. 

15. Then the King rose up from his throne, and after 
he had refreshed himself with wine, he sent for the chief of 
his household ; - 

16. Saying, These people are rebellious yet, and there 
are among them men neither just nor upright ; no, not one. 

17. Now, behold, I will send unto them a just man, of my 
own kindred and household ; one who fears God and serves 
the King, and he shall be their assessor. 

18. And his right hand shall have an inkling of what 
his left hand doeth. 

19. And the Scribe answ^^ed, saying, O King, live forever ! 
. 20. And it came to pass when the Counsellors were again 
assembled in their upper chamber, that the King sent unto 
them a well-beloved and exceedingly comely brother to be 
their assessor ; 

21. Saying, Surely they will reverence the anointed broth- 
er of the King, who is of the household of Schofield ; for 
he is comel}^ and of royal blood, and knoweth a thing or two. 

22. And when E. M. (for short), the King's brother, had 
come into the Council Chamber, and delivered the writings 
making known the King's will, the countenances of the Coun- 
sellors became troubled, and they debated among themselves, 
for they all did greatly fear the King. 

23. But when certain of the Counsellors had stood forth 
in behalf of the King, and the King's chosen assessor, they 
relaxed ; 

24. Saying, It's a smash ; let us go for him. 

25. And they went, even Thomas, whose surname is Epps, 
and Apollo, the chief of the Counsellors, whose surname is 
Macfarland. 



The Acts of Kings, 15 

26. And they took him, the King's brother, E. M., to be 
the city assessor. 

27. And they put upon him the robes of office, and sat him 
up in the office of the late assessor, even upon the high stool 
of the same, and gave into his hands the little tally-books 
in which were written the names of the publicans to be as- 
sessed. 

28. And when a bond was required of the King's brother 
that he should walk uprightly among the publicans, and not 
put upon or take from them bribes and tithes unjustly, 

29. Behold, David, whose surname is Saunders, moved by 
his fear of the King's wrath, went upon his bond, and cop- 
pered on the ace with two thousand pieces of silver, or its 
equivalent in stamps. 

30. For he saw that it was a good thing, and sought 
favor in the eyes of the King, and his comely brother, E. M., 
the new assessor he had sent unto them ; 

31. Saying, There is given unto him that is assessor the 
power to appoint threa deputies, to run out and in before him 
among the publicans ; and he, because of the favor I have 
found in his eyes, shall pitch upon my sons, and my kindred, 
and they shall be his deputies, and no more be a burden 

to me. 

32. And David, whose surname is Saunders, lifted up his 
voice and said, O King, live forever ! 

33. Thus came to pass all these things that the Eadical 
Scriptures might be fulfilled : 

34. Behold, I will put strangers over you, and they shall 
fill your high places, and gather of all your sustenance, and 
there shall be no places for those who dwell within the city. 

35. But the people, and the publicans, and all that pay 
tithes for taxes, murmur against the King, because he has 
put over them his own brother, that he may oppress and spoil 
them double-handed. 

36. Here endeth the first chapter of. the Acts of Kings. 



1 6 The Acts of Kings, 

CHAPTER II. 

THE KING REMOVETH THE LAWGIVERS OF THE CITY. 

1. Hearken, O ye people, that dwell within the city, and 
give heed unto the chronicles of the Acts of Kings, as they 
are continued and recorded. 

2. And get ye ready garments of sackcloth and ashes, that 
ye may mourn in 3- our habitations and upon the streets of the 
city, because the King that ruleth in the Province hath again 
stretched forth his hand to trouble the oppressed. 

3. Behold, he hath naade the place of Justice desolate, and 
the seats of the magistrates vacant, and there is no more 
justice in all the city. 

4. The golden balances of Justice he hath broken, and, as 
a strong man, he hath lain the rod upon the backs of them 
that bore it. 

5. Yea, being might}^, the King eateth up the books of the 
lawgivers, and setteth himself in their stead. 

6. And clotheth himself in the ermine of the lawgivers, 
even as one that putteth on a garment above his armor. 

7. For thus saith the Mighty One, This people shall know 
that I am King, the anointed of the tribe of Schofield, and upon 
their rebellious necks will I plant my footstool. 

8. And upon the necks of their wise men, and their law- 
givers, and their valiant men of war, and all that work de- 
spite against my chosen servants, and against the chosen of 
the nation, who are of the tribe of Ethiopia. 

9. Then hearken, O ye people that dwell within the city, and 
give heed unto the chronicles of the Acts of Kings, as they are 
continued and recorded. 

10. And it fell on a time that certain spies who were privy 
to the deeds of the lawgivers, and were themselves sore 



The Acts of Kings, 17 

athirst and hungry after place, came unto the King secretly 
by night, saying, 

11. Behold, is it not given unto you, O King, to rule in this 
Province with a rod of iron, and to break Ihe stubbornness of 
this stiff-necked and seditious people ? 

12. But know ye not, O King, that these men, who have 
been put as lawgivers over us, are eye-servants, wicked 
workers, railers at the King and the King's anointed; 
that they do set at naught his proclamations, and the holy 
statutes that are given unto them ? 

13. And the King hearkened unto the soothsayers, and as 
they proceeded the King changed countenance three several 
times ; his brow darkened, and the lightning that did play 
out of his nostrils illuminated the third part of the city, so 
great and terrible was the anger of the King. 

14. And the city being darkened again, all the people 
bewailed in their houses, for they knew it was a sign that 
the King was exceeding wroth, and prepared yet another 
woe for the people. 

15. And while the soothsayers and spies were yet speaking, 
the King rose up suddenly, and rent his robe, and swear upon 
his sword, by the Great Radical Dragon, the Assembly of 
Saints, and the seat of the Beast, that is at Washington, 
that the lawgivers should be no more. 

■ 16. And the soothsayers bowed themselves three times 
before the throne, and from the midst of them issued voices, 
saying, 

17. There is but one King, and he is Schofield, and unto 
him is given power, and dominion, and glory, and we only 
are his true servants. 

18. And the King, in great wrath, commanded that a 
copy of the records of the lawgivers be brought him. 



i8 



The Acts of Kings, 




19. And when it was brought, as the Kmg commanded, 
he clave it in twain with his sword, and cast the parch- 
ment beneath his sandals and spat upon it, saying, 

20. Thus dp I rend and spurn it and thou, O ye stiff- 
necked and rebellious lawgivers. 

21. And the messenger who bore the parchment rended 
and spat upon by the King trembled, and bowed himself 
even unto the dust before the King, saying, 

22. There is but one King, and he is Schofield. 

23. At that self-same hour, behold the veil of the Temple 
of Justice was rent, and the thieves and murderers, and all 
that worked abomination in the city, rejoiced and clapped 
their hands, and were exceeding glad, saying, 

24. The lawgivers have fallen from their high places, 
and now they who are of ourselves shall sit in the seats of 
the magistrates of the cit3% 

25. And the King, when he had anointed himself and 
looked into the Radical Koran, to the end that his knowl- 
edge of good and evil might be refreshed, made a sign unto 



The Acts of Kings. 



19 




20 The Acts of Kings, 

his pen and sword bearer, Sef, whose surname is Chalfin, 
saying, 

26. Write unto these lawgivers that have railed against 
the anointed, and set at naught the holy statutes of the 
Dragon, that they may no longer be lawgivers in the cit}'- 
of the Seven Hills. 

27. Thus saith the King. 

28. And Sef, whose surname is Chalfin, wrote all that the 
King commanded. 

29. And when Sef had written, and the King had affixed 
the seal of the Great Dragon thereunto, he sent the writing 
unto the lawgivers. 

80. And it did happen that, when the writing was brought 
unto the lawgivers, they were seated in the Hall of Justice, 
much concerned among themselves because of a son of 
Ham, who is of the tribe of Ethiopia, who stood accused 
of theft. 

31. And when the Recorder, John, whose surname is Reg- 
nault, and an upholsterer, had read the writing, and under- 
stood its purport, 

32. Behold, his countenance changed into the hue of a 
lobster boiled, his tongue clave unto the roof of his mouth, 
his knees smote together, and he became as a dead man. 

33. But when he had partaken of a little water that was 
handy, he rose up, and rent his ermine, and brake his pen, 
and emptied the ink-horn upon his head, sa3dng, 

34. Alas ! I am no more Recorder unto the city of the 
Seven Hills. Thus saith the King. 

35. And they that sat with him, the magistrates of the city, 
whose surnames are Timberlake, Binford, McCarthy, Jones, 
Wortham, Higgins, Ellett, Royster, Bodeker, Starke, and 
Christian, when they, saw what the Recorder had done, and 
that he was sore afraid, they rose, up as one man, 

36. And rent each his own ermine, and brake each his own 
pen, and emptied each his own ink-horn on his head, saying, 



The Acts of Kings, 21 

37. Alas ! I am no more a Magistrate unto the city of the 
Seven Hills. Thus saith the King. 

38. And the Scribes that waited in the Hall of Justice to 
make record of the doings therein, Hobert, surnamed Howard, 
and Andrew, surnamed Jenkins, lamented greatly, and ad- 
journed to the most convenient saloon, saying, 

39. Now we are no more Scribes to the Chief Magistrates 
of the city. Thus saith the King. 

40. And it came to pass that the Mayor, called the Tycoon, 
was in his chamber, and when the uproar came to his ears, 
and he saw the people running together, he asked what it 
meant. 

41. And when he was told all that had happened, he was 
sore disma3^ed, and strengthened himself, for he fully ex- 
pected a similar writing from the King. 

42. But the King stayed his hand, and spared yet a little 
longer the Tycoon of the city. 

43. Hearken, O ye people that dwell within the city, and 
give heed unto the chronicles of the Acts of Kings as they are 
continued and recorded. 

44. And after all these things had come to pass, the word 
of the King was sent unto certain strange men of the city, 
not of its kindred, saying, 

45. Greeting unto you, and the grace of the most mighty 
King, who is Schofield, and iruleth n the Province ; 

46. Peace be unto you, and a snug place. 

47. Behold I shall make appointment of you unto the seats 
of the rebellious magistrates that I have cast down, and you 
shall be the lawgivers for the people who are of my kindred, 
and to the sons and daughters of Ham, w^ho are of the tribe 
of Ethiopia. 

48. And they who have not the mark of the Beast in their 
foreheads, and swear not by the testament of their faith, ye 
shall utterly ignore ; for by the test oath ye shall try them. 

49. For I the King have sworn it. 



22 The Acts of Kings, 

50. And the evil-doers, and those that work abomination 
and love a lie, rejoiced greatly, and made tumult about the 
I)lace of the King, and " these head-quarters," saying, 

51. There is but one King, and he is Schofield, and we are 
his faithful servants. 

52. But the people who are just and upright, and dwell in 
the citjT- of the Seven Hills, mourned as they that mourn for 
one dead ; for they knew that Justice lay slain in her taber- 
nacle. 



CHAPTER in. 

THE KING COMMA NDETH THAT THE PEOPLE BE SEALED ANEW. 

THE NEVT REGISTRATION. A SON OF HAM, ALL THE WAT 

FROM HANOVER, COME TO SEAL. 

1. And the word of the King came unto the Registrars 
of the city, saying, 

2. Prepare ye for a new registration of the people, that 
they may be sealed yet once more. 

3. For know ye that an accusation hath gone forth against 
the King, and against the Registers, saying, 

4. They have sealed more Ethiopians than the number 
of the tribe that live in the wards of the city, and have 
refused to seal them that rebelled against the Dragon and 
have repented. 

5. Moreover, they are very froward, and make bold to 
claim the seats of the five elect, chosen b}^ the Ethiopians 
to be their lawmakers, and help give unto all the people 
of this Province a new testament, even a Radical Testa- 
ment, and a new Table of Commandments, as ordered by 



The Acts of Kings. 23 

tbe General Assembly of Radical Saints, wlio rule at 
Washington, which is the seat of the Beast. 

6. For behold, there is now established the new Dispen- 
sation, foretold by the prophets, saying, 

7. In those days it shall come to pass that the servant 
shall go in before his master, and the serving-man shall 
stand in the boots of him he hath served. 

8. And he that is of dusky countenance, and thick- 
lipped, shall be preferred above him that is fair of skin, 
and of Saxon blood. 

9. For old things have passed away with the second flood, 
and all things have become new. 

10. And when the Registrars whom the King appointed 
had received the words of the Mighty One, who is Scho- 
field, they gave heed, and made haste that the new regis- 
tration might be made, even as he had commanded, and 
the people numbered and sealed anew. 

11. For the time drew nigh when it was appointed for 
the people to assemble throughout the Province, and vote 
upon the new Radical Testament and Table of Command- 
ments prepared by the hundred elect, gathered from the 
four corners of the Province, and who even then dis- 
puted among themselves in the House of the Rulers, in 
the chief city. 

12. And to each of the five wards of the city there was 
given a Chief Registrar, and under him Registrars and 
fast-writing Scribes, cunning with the pen, to write down 
the names of such as sought to be sealed. 

13. And power was given unto them to seal all men 
whosoever would be sealed, save they from whom is 
taken away the royal gift of franchise, because in the 
Great Rebellion they conspired together to overcome the 

Dragon.* 

14. Concerning these it was written, Seal them not; 
but if any present themselves before you, saying, Seal 



24 The Acts of Kings, 

us, and swear falsely, ye shall deliver them into the 
hands of the centurions, that they may be brought before 
the King. 

15. And it was commanded that none save those who 
are sealed, and whose names are found written in the 
books of the Registrars, shall be deemed worthy to bear 
the ballot, and vote upon the adoption of the new Radical 
Testament and Table of Commandments. 

IG. When the time for the sealing was fully come, the 
King made yet further proclamation, saying, 

17. Seal! And they straightway began to seal. 

18. And, behold, there came up great multitudes of the 
Ethiopians, and stood round about the sealing-places, and 
encompassed the Registrars, saying, 

19. Seal us, for we hai^e come a day's journey that we 
might be sealed. 

20. And in numbers they were very great, insomuch that 
the cloud of their presence rested upon the city, and shut 
out the light of the sun, and the Registrars sealed them by 
gas-light, even while it was yet high noon. 

21. And the time of the sealing was a holiday unto the 
Ethiopians, such as bear the ballot, and they did no work in 
all the days thereof, but decked themselves each in his most 
gorgeous raiment, and made merry each with his own neigh- 
bor on untaxed corn-juice. 

22. Albeit, when they hungered, they encompassed the 
Bureau, and cried unto him that ladleth up the soup, and 
bestoweth the Radical bread, saying, 

23. Give unto us to eat of the Bureau soup and bread, 
that we may be filled, and tarry amongst you yet a little 
longer, to the end that we may be sealed, as our League and 
the King hath commanded. 

24. And it came to pass in those days that the merchant- 
man drave his own draj^, and kindled his own grate, and 
saddled his own ass, and went about his own business. 



The Acts of Kings, 25 

25. And when it was asked of him, Where is thy man- 
servant ? 

26. Behold, the merchantman made curt answer, angrily 
saying, 

27. He is sealing. 

28. And it came to pass furthermore, during the continu- 
ance of the sealing, that men hailed one another in the 
streets of the city, and made salute one to the other. 

29. And made inquiry, not concerning their wives, nor 
kindred, nor mother-in-law, nor father-in-law, but concerning 
the great sealing, saying, 

30. O brother, hast thou sealed, according to the com- 
mandment of the King ? • 

31. And the brother would make answer, saying. Yea, 
verily have I sealed. 

32. Howsomever, there were those among the people of 
the city who sealed not, neither would they be sealed, but 
went their way in a mood not at all hopeful, saying, 

33. What*s the use? The Ethiopians have possessed the 
city and the sealing-places thereof, and we are to them in 
numbers as a handful of white beans in a bushel measure of 
black-eyed peas. 

34. Therefore, because of them that were lukewarm, and 
sealed not, the Ethiopians of the city made much ado, and 
sent unto certain of their tribes that dwell in Henrico and 
Hanover, and the regions round about, saying, 

35. Come unto us speedily that our enemies may be out- 
sealed, and the woolly crown of Ethiopia exalted. 

36. And they came a-running. 

37. And it did happen in those days when a freedman was 
abroad upon the highway and journeyed, that he was 
asked, 

38. Son of Ham, whither goest thou? 

39. And behold he would give answer, saying, I go 
a-sealins:. 



26 



The Acts of Kings. 




40. Thus came it to pass as foretold by the hapless 
prophet " J. N.," who prophesied, saying, 

41. A negro for a sixpence, and two negrbes for a meas- 
ure of barley, and the two shall not earn their salt. 

42. For, behold, the negro shall become as the Irishman's 
flea, seldom to be found in the same jplace. 

43. Yea, he shall become utterly unreliable, save as a 
voter, and the Radical Bureau shall feed him. 

44. So the Registrars sealed them, even the least of the 
dusky sons of Ham, because they were valuable as voters, 
and knew not on which side their bread was greased. 

45. But lo ! when some of them would be sealed, behold, 
the Registrars found them without names or local habitation. 

46. And the Chief Registrar spoke thusly unto one of the 
nameless : 

47. Son of Ham, what is thy name, and where is thy 
abiding place ? 



The Acts of Kings, 27 

48. And he answered, saying, I dunno. Is ye not bid- 
den to gib unto us names ? 

49. And they sealed him, and unto him was given a new 
name, that he should remember it when he came again unto 
the voting place. 

50. Likewise many others baptized they a second time, 
and gave unto them new names, because they remembered 
not the names under which they were last sealed. 

51. Peradventure, the Eegistrars sealed not a few by 
proxy. 

52. And they 'gan to grow aweary, the Registrars of seal- 
ing, and the sons of Ham of being sealed, saying, 

53. Enough ! we have sealed a plenty. 

54. But when the day appointed for the ending of the new 
registration drew nigh, the High Priests and the expounders 
of the Radical Talmud, and all they that pay court to the 
Ethiopians, because of their votes, went among them, and 
cheered them, saying, 

55. Seal every one of you, and see to it that the city is 
delivered over unto us ; and then ye shall be our Mandarins, 
and from among ye shall be chosen the chief Mandarin, 
even the Chief of Police. 

56. Also, the King, the great I AM, who had commanded 
the sealing, went forth in his chariot, and showed himself 
unto the multitude, to the end that the Ethiopians might be 
made glad, and the people displeased. 

57. And Francis, surnamed Plowpoint, the Governor of 
the Province, under the King, himself sealed in the presence 
of the King. 

58. And when the Ethiopians saw that the Governor 
made himself even less than the least of them, and had 
sealed before them, and in the presence of the King, 

59. They shouted, saying, Behold, he seekcth to be 
again Governor over the Province. 

60. And when James, whose surname is Hunnicutt, one of 



28 The Acts of Kings. 

the five elect, saw that the Governor had sealed, and heard 
the multitude shouting, he was vexed in his very soul, for 
he, too, did lust after the office and the possession of the 
pleasant mansion on the Square. 

61. And straightway he made haste to seal, but the Ethi- 
opians were dumb, and some of the baser sort wagged their 
heads, and put forth their tongues as a sign of derision, say- 

^"l. Bah ! he thinketh to sit in the vacant seat among the 
General Assembly of Eadical Saints at Washington. 

63. And when Burnham, surnamed Wardwell, called the 
" cool, icy man," had made a flourish and the sign of the 
sealing, the Ethiopians shouted once more, sa^dng, 

64. That's cool ! Behold, he maketh a bid for the office 
of Tycoon of the city. g, 

65. Thus were they all sealed, from the least even unto 
the greatest of them. 

^^. Only the King, who sealed not, for himself was the 
seal. 

67. And when they had made an end of sealing, the King 
made proclamation to the Registrars, saying, 

68. Cease from sealing, and let him that is yet unsealed 
be unsealed still. 

69. And let him that is unregistered be unregistered still. 

70. Blessed are they whose names are written in the books 
of the new Registration, for they, and they only, shall vote 
on the new Constitution. 

71. For I, the King, who reigneth over the Province, hath 
said and sealed it with an oath. 

72. Here endeth the third chapter of the Acts of Kings. 



The Acts of Kings, 29 



CHAPTER IV. 

THE NEW LAWGIVERS OP THE CITY APPOINTED BY THE KING. 

THE TYCOON TEACHETH THEM. 

1. Now the third week of the third month, and the third 
day of the week, was the time appointed for the assembling 
of the lawgivers in the Temple of Justice, in order that 
they might sit in judgment against such malefactors as 
should be brought before them. 

2. But, behold, the seats of the magistrates were yet 
empty, for the King, who cast out the rebellious law- 
givers, had not yet pitched upon those whom it was ordained 
should sit in their stead. 

3. Therefore, when this was told the King he made haste, 
and sent unto certain of the Northmen dwelling in the city, 
saying, 

4. Ye are of the precious few who are adjudged alto- 
gether just, and loyal, and upright, and have respect unto 
the laws, and unto the high and mighty will of the King. 

5. And ye are chosen out of the many to be my servants 
and lawgivers unto this people, because ye work not de- 
spite against the wards of the sacred Bureau, who are the 
Ethiopians. 

6. Therefore, I, the King, than whom there is none greater 
in all the land, doth graciously command and commission 
you, 

7. That ye straightway go up into the Temple and press 
the "woolsack,'* and sit in the vacant seats of the mag- 
istrates whose heads I have gathered, for henceforth ye are 
lawgivers. 

8. And the chosen who heard this summons began each 



30 The Acts of Kings. 

to primp himself, and journej^ed towards the Temple, say- 
ing, 

9. Now I am a lawgiver in the city, and in the midst of 

mine enemies. 

10. Albeit, certain of them changed their raiment, and 
made long-delayed ablutions, and put on clean linen, even 
a clean shirt ; for they all were mightily puffed up because 
the King had chosen them. 

11. And when they were come in unto the Temple, and 
were seated, they were dumb as oysters, and looked one 
unto the other, as much as to say, 

12. Verily, here is a go. On whom shall we call that 
he may expound unto us the law and commandments, that 
we may be lawgivers indeed ? 

13. And with them sat Robert, surnamed Allen, who 
boasteth of many head of game cocks, and George, whose 
surname is Gilliam, who is a merchantman. 

14. But, behold, they were all as babes ; nor learned in the 
law ; neither did they know anything. 

15. And I, the Chronicler, heard the names of the new 
lawgivers unto whom was given the power to sit in the seats 
of the magistrates ; and their surnames were Gregory, and 
Peebles, and Cammack, and Gaston, and Winne. 

16. And it was asked of them that stood about the Tem- 
ple, "Who be these strange men that the King hath put over 
us to be our lawgivers ? 

17. But no man could tell, save one, surnamed Crowder, 
who made answer, wagging his head, and saying, 

18. They whom you marvel upon are aliens, and of those 
who, in the days of the Great Rebellion, went out from the 
city between two suns, shaking off the dust "of their shoes 
against it, 

19. Or they are of those who came as strangers gleaning 
in the footsteps of the conquering King of the terrible 
Northmen. 



The Acts of Kings, 31 

20. Have ye not read that which was written by the proph- 
ets, and because your enemies are exalted over this peo- 
ple, know ye that the time of the fulfilment is even now and 
at hand. 

21. And when all was made ready, the Scribe unto the 
magistrates, Andrew, surnamed Jenkins, who waiteth in the 
Temple, gave unto each of the new lawgivers the oath, even 
the iron-clad, which is very hard and difficult of digestion. 

22. But, behold, they gulped it as though it were as much 
sweet bread and honey. 

23. And because they were greedy, and not to be satisfied, 
they made request with one accord, saying, 

24. Swear us yet once more, for we are loyal, and would 
be double proof against the machinations of the pettifoggers, 
who are as so many devils. 

25. And the Scribe with an oath swear them yet a second 
time, even with a copper-fastened oath. 

26. Then it came to pass, when the Scribe had made an 
end of swearing, that the Sergeant of the city, Thomas, sur- 
named Dudley, stood forth over against the seats of the 
lawgivers, and made proclamation in a loud voice, crying, 

27. 0-yez, 0-yez, 0-yez, all ye people who have petition 
to make unto the lawgivers draw nigh, give heed before 
them, and be sile^it in their presence. 

28. And the lawgivers were made to quake, and trembled 
at the sound of the mighty voice of the Sergeant, but they 
uttered responses quickly, saying, 

29. God save the King, and keep the kingdom. 

30. And the Court was opened. 

31. Then the lawgivers, who knew not anything, laid 
their heads together, and debated privately among them- 
selves as to who of all the seven chosen was most worthy to 
be Recorder. 

32. And they pitched upon George, whose surname is 
Gilliam, and him they made Recorder. 



32 The Acts of Kings, 

33. But Gilliam, though albeit a merchantman, cunning 
and apt at figures, was ignorant of the law to be expounded, 
and could not make choice between a law book and Comley's 
speller, or judge between spider tracks and the strange in- 
scriptions upon a Hong Kong tea-chest. 

34. And the new lawgivers, Gregory, and Peebles, and 
Cammack, and Gaston, and Gilliam, whom they had made 
Kecorder, looked each upon the other steadfastly, as much as 
to say, 

35. Here's a bloody go. Who shall teach us ? 

36. Now it came to pass furthermore, that the Tycoon of 
the city, who had sent the peace offering unto the King, was 
even then sitting in the Hall of primary justice, hard by, 
weighing out justice in broken doses to suit purchasers, and 
among them were many Ethiopians. 

37. Be it known, moreover, that the Tycoon giveth good 
measure, but dippeth a leetle^ peradventure, on the side that 
leaneth towards the King, because of the si^ecial order and 
the speckled purps. 

38. And the new lawgivers, that knew not anything, 
humbled themselves, and sent in unto the Tycoon, saying, 

39. Come, we pray j^ou, and teach us, for we would be 
learned in the alphabet of the law, at least, or we shall be 
mocked and greatly cast down. 

40. And the Tycoon heard the lamentation of the law- 
givers, and his bowels of compassion yearned towards them, 
for he had of wisdom in his head enough and to spare. 

41. So he went in unto the lawgivers, and took with him 
a book, even " Mayo's Guide." 

42. And they were exceedingly glad that the Tycoon 
should teach them, for they were as suckling babes, and 
l\new not anything. 

43. Then the Tycoon stood forth in the midst of the law- 
givers sitting at his feet, and taught them, expounding the 



The Acts of Kings. '^t^ 

law as contained in the book that is the " Guide," which he 
himself had written. 

44. But they were dull pupils, and poor receivers of the 
truth, and, as young beginners, they were hard of compre- 
hension. 

45. For to them the alphabet of the law was as stumbling- 
blocks in the way of blind men. 

46. And the Tycoon was vastly put out, because he found 
the new lawgivers whom the king had appointed were less 
than babes, and knew not anything. 

47. And he framed him his favorite expletive and gave 
sudden vent to the same in vehement anger, saying, aside, 

48. Diablo ! These lawgivers will hang the innocent and 
let go the guilty, and will put upon the good people the sins 
of the Ethiopians. 

49. But the Tycoon durst not tell them so, for fear it 
should come unto the pricked ears of the King. 

50. So the Tycoon kept his own counsel, and when he had 
made an end of teaching publicly, he gave unto each of the 
lawgivers an easy lesson, and also unto each of them a copy 
of the " Guide,'*' saying, 

51. Behold, this shall be your guide, for it is full of simple 
wisdom, so that a lawgiver though a fool need not err therein. 

52. Then the ^Tycoon returned unto his own place and the 
lawgivers rose and went forth, for it was high noon, and 
lunch time. 

53. Here endeth the fourth chapter of the Acts of the 
Kings, and of the Chronicles of the Lawgivers, the first 
lesson. 



34 1"^^ Acts of Kings. 



CHAPTER V. 

THE TYCOON PRESENTETH THE KING WITH A COUPLE OP 
" DORGS." 

1. Now when the Tycoon of the city, whom the King had 
spared, nor included in his sacrifice of the lawgivers, saw 
that the King turned not the wrath of his countenance upon 
him, 

2. He straightway cast about him for a peace ofiering to 
send unto the King. 

3 For he would appease the anger of the King, that he 
might not take away from his servant the chief office of 
the city, even the office of T3^coon. 

4. But the Tycoon was sorely puzzled as to what the 
device or thing should be, and he was at his wil's end. 

5. Thus sorely perplexed and in great straits, the Tycoon 
sought for counsel among certain of his Mandarins, saying, 

6. What would ye that I should send unto our ruler, the 
King, as a peace olfering, even as a gift, that I may find 
favor in his eyes ? 

7. And they answered. Where are thy game cocks, those 
champions of the "pit," whose "gaffs" are sharper than 
the golden spurs upon the heel of the King himself? 

8. Make decent speed then and send unto the King a 
brace of valiant birds, and they shall be an acceptable peace 
offering. 

9. Then the Tj^coon was speechless for the space of half 
a minute, for he remembered with grief that the ebony hand 
of the midnight spoiler had been busy among his brood, and 
that his gamesters had been gobbled. 

10. And he questioned the Mandarins again: What 



The Acts of Kings. 35 

would ye that I should send unto the King as a peace 
offering ? 

11. And they answered, Ma3diap the King loveth his tod, 
and parteth with his kingly favors for a little good wine. 

12. Therefore, we pray you, command that there be sent 
unto the palace a puncheon of " Mountain Dew." 

13. But the Tycoon would not, for it is not meet that the 
King should taste much wine, lest he drink until he be 
drunken. 

14. And then would he rise up in his mighty wrath and 
devour the city, and all the people would be as shrimps 
upon his palate. 

15. Then likewise were all the Mandarins at their wit's 
end, and wot not what manner of a gift the Tycoon should 
send unto the King for a peace offering. 

16. And the Tycoon, even more perplexed than before, 
went into a brown study and methought himself, saying, 

17. Let me see, let me see. 

18. So into the brown study went they that were with 
him, the Mandarins, who gave counsel as to what manner 
of royal gift it should be, each unto himself saying, 

19. Let me see, let me see. 

20. And the countenance of the Tycoon, and the counte- 
nances of his Counsellors, were severally ruffled. 

21. And when he had considered awhile, the Tycoon 
spake suddenly, saying, I know what I will do. 

22. A certain man hath two dogs, — twin purps, — and 
they are beauties. 

23. And there is none like unto them in all the city, for they 
came of a direct line from the spotted setter of New Kent. 

24. Now I, the Tycoon of the Temple, shall send unto 
him that po^esseth these purps, saying, 

25. I beseech you, grant unto the Tycoon the one desire 
of his heart, and send by bearer the speckled purps, that 
I may make them a peace offering unto the King, 



36 The Acts of Kings, 

26. And the messenger went as he was bidden, and 
came with the speckled purps crying in a basket. 

27. And the Tycoon and the Mandarins were beside 
themselves with joy when they saw the purps and heard 
them crying in the basket. 

28. And the Tycoon commanded that they be put away 
privately, until such time as they could be sent to the 
King's palace with pomp and ceremony befitting the con- 
veyance of a gift from the Tycoon to the King of the 
Province. 

29. But, behold, it came to pass that a disaster befell the 
speckled purps, and one of them was stolen away by night 
time. 

30. For certain of the people were mightily displeased 
that the Tycoon should make a peace ofiering to the King. 

31. But the Tycoon was sore distressed, and sent out 
sharp, prying fellows, and went forth himself, whistling 
mournfully, and calling on the name of the lost one. 

32. And they stumbled upon the missing purp — found 
him where he was not lost — hid away in a coal-hole. 

33. And they that had the good luck to find him brought 
the purp that was lost in triumph into the presence of the 
Tycoon. 

34. And they rejoiced together over the return of the 
prodigal purp that being lost was found again. 

35. Albeit, the finder was liberally rewarded, and advanced 
a peg in the estimation of the Tycoon. 

36. And it fell on a certain day that the speckled purps 
were sent unto the palace. 

37. And the King received the gift graciously, and got 
down from his throne and sported on the floor with the 
speckled purps, saying, \ 

38. This is a peace ofi"ering from the Tycoon, that I stir 
him not up with a " special order," a^ i have done the law- 
givers. 



The Acts of Kings, 37 

. 39. And Sef, whose surname is Chalfin, the King's sword 
and pen bearer, made chuckling answer, saying, 

40. You Jbet ! which being interpreted, meaneth Just so. 

41. Nevertheless, the King looked with favor upon the 
gift, and put forth his royal hand upon the heads of the 
purps, "saying, 

42. Aint they beauties ? 

43. And the purps made answer, and cried, 

44. True, O King ! 

45. And the King was exceedingly pleased that a purp 
should answer him. 

46. And the King swore by the great Eed Dragon, and 
the seat of the Beast, and the Assembly of Radical Saints 
at Washington, that the Tycoon should not cease to rule in 
the. city. 

47. Because his peace offering is very acceptable, and for 
the sake of the purps will I turn away my wrath, and grant 
favor unto the Tycoon. 

48. Here endeth the fifth chapter of the Acts of Kings. 



CHAPTER VI. 

THE KING APPOINTETH A NEW GOVERNOR OVER THE 
PROVINCE. 

1. Now there was a certain man, and he dwelt in Fair- 
mont, hard by the head-waters of the Kanawha, in a far-off 
corner of the Province. 

2. And his name was Francis, but the people called him 
Plowpint, because, like the plough of the husbandman, he 
did run his nose against a very stubborn root. 



38 The Acts of Kings. 

3. And while the great Rebellion 5^et prevailed, Francis 
made himself Governor over the little bit of dominion 
that remained to him in that self-same far-off corner of the 
Province, and. had under him servants and subjects less 
than a handful. 

4. And they few were loyal ; and they called themselves 
faithful and true, the rightful legislators and rulers in all 
the Province, which was then in Rebellion. 

5. And Francis, that is, Plowpint, he called himself 
Governor over the whole Province, though possessing, 
albeit, but a little corner of it. 

6. And the dynasty of the Rephbels at Richmond was 
the " so called." 

7. Also, the extra Governor that was. Extra William, 
one of the Smiths, was " so called." 

8. Moreover, the authority he exercised, and the judg- 
ments he executed, were " so called." 

9. But when the gates of the Rebellion were broken 
down, and the chief city of the Rephbels fell, the Gover- 
nor of the ten-acre corner of the Province spread himself. 

10. And packed up, he and his servants, and packed off 
from Alexandria, and encompassed Richmond, each with 
his carpet-bag, quite a company of carpet-baggers. 

11. And it came to pass that Francis, who is Plowpint, 
having spread himself, made himself Governor indeed over 
the whole Province, for the reign of the Kings was not yet 
begun. 

12. So Francis was well seated, even before the Kins: 
began to reign, and he dwelt in the goodly mansion on the 
Square. 

13. Albeit Francis, in his dealings with the people, was 
not altogether on the square, but was crooked, peradventure, 
even as a stick is crooked. 

14. And because his friends were few, and his servants 
were as a handful, he sought to make unto himself friends 



The Acts of Kings, 39 

from among the sons of Belial, who were in bondage, and 
did penance in atonement for the transgression of the laws. 

15. And they that wrought penance apparelled in the 
striped livery of the prison-house, appointed for the custody 
and keeping of malefactors, were very many, for the thieves 
and murderers had nigh possessed the land. 

16. Now, downright glad were these malefactors when it 
was told them that the compassionate Governor was moved 
towards them, and that the bowels of his tenderness yearned 
for their deliverance. 

17. And they straightway began to make petition unto the 
compassionate Governor, saying, 

18. Pardon us, that we maybe clothed in the garments of 
citizenship again, and become the servants of the most mer- 
ciful Governor, delving in the Radical vineyard, voting 
oftentimes as we have opportunity. 

19. And he pardoned them, bestowing upon each the ex- 
treme unction of Executive clemency. 

20. And the business waxed great, so that petitions mul- 
tiplied, and the Executive hand was made very busy. 

21. And the compassionate Governor said unto himself, 
I know what I will do. 

22. I will make unto me a pardon-mill, and it shall be 
made to run by the power of greenbacks and the lubricating 
oil thereof. 

23. So he, the compassionate Governor, built him a par- 
don-mill, and, behold, it ran upon the principle of perpetual 
motion. 

24. And ceased not to run neither day nor night, because 
its secret and hidden springs were lubricated by the pleasant 
oil of greenbacks. 

25. Now, therefore, because of the violent running of the 
pardon-mill, the prison-house wherein the malefactors were 
kept was well-nigh emptied, and the keepers quaked for their 
occupation. 



40 The Acts of Kings, 

26. But naturally enough the Radical vineyard was filled, 
and the new workers therein increased daily. 

27. But the j)eople despised the compassionate Governor, 
because he let loose the malefactors to prey upon them, and 
steal away their substance from smoke-house, and hen-roost, 
and kitchen. 

28. Furthermore, they spat upon him and his authority ; 
for, said they, he is a malefactor himself, because he seeketh 
to make friends of the malefactors, who are the sons of 
Belial, that he may be strengthened in his seat. 

29. Also, they who make np the newspapers, and send 
forth the flying sheets in the morning, railed against the 
Governor, and rebuked him, making game of him, and a 
bulletin of the pardons that flowed from his pardon-mill. 

30. And they called him Plowpint, because he ran his nose 
against a stubborn root, and the malefactors that he par- 
doned, they called them Plowpint's pets. 

31. But he pardoned yet the more, and ceased not to run 
his pardon-mill neither day nor night. 

32. Now it came to pass that he who was Judge in the 
city, judging the malefactors, died, and was buried, greatly 
lamented by all the people, save the malefactors, who re- 
joiced. 

33. For he was a good man, just and upright, and feared 
by the malefactors, because he had sent many of them to 
work penance in the prison-house as atonement for crimes. 

34. And the King raised up one Burnham, a strange man, 
and made him Judge in the stead of that just and upright 
man. 

35. But the new Judge knew not Plowpint ; neither would 
he hearken unto his counsels, when he complained that certain 
Ethiopians who were before him had been unjustly con- 
demned. 

36. And because he would not hearken, the Governor, 
who was pig-headed, and very perverse, ran the petitions 



The Acts of Kings. 41 

through his patent mill, and behold there came out two 
pardons. 

37. And the pardons were bestowed on the malefactors, 
even before they became inmates of the prison-house, or had 
yet upon them the striped garments of humiliation. 

38. Thereupon the Judge was wroth, and he went unto 
the King with complaint ; and when the King had heard the 
complaint, he was likewise wroth. 

39. So that they were very wroth together. 

40. x\nd they contrived a trap, fitted with a hair-trigger, 
In which to take the perverse and headstrong Governor. 

41. Verily, they fixed a " dead-fall," beneath which they 
would smash him that calleth himself Governor, and is only 
Plowpint. 

42. For, said they, he hath run his nose against a couple 
of exceedingly stubborn roots. 

43. Now, the Governor had a cow, even a sacred cow, 
that grazed upon the sweet grass and herbs of the Square, 
yielding much delicious milk. 

44. And in the morning, the Governor walked abroad 
upon the sanded walks of the Square. 

45. And, behold, the cow lifted up her head and lowed 
mournfully after him. 

46. And the Governor was troubled in his heart because 
of the lowing, for he knew that it was a token of disaster 
that was to come upon his house. 

47. But as yet he wot not what it was that made shadow 
over him. 

48. But upon his bed by night he dreamed, and in a vision 
he saw it all. 

49. Therefore was he troubled afresh, and rose up very 
early in the morning, and went forth walking on the pleasant 
Square, hard by the mansion. 

50. And the sacred cow that stood grazing lowed mourn- 



42 The Acts of Kings, 

fully yet again, and, when she had lowed thrice, she went to 
grass and continued to graze as before. 

51. Then the Governor resolved in his soul and said, 
Surely will I defeat and bring to nought the machinations of 
the Judge and they who have set themselves against me, 
because disturbed by the grinding of my patent pardon-mill. 

52. Now I know what I'll do. I will seek out and join 
myself unto those who are greater than mine enemies, who 
lay traps for my feet, who set snares to take me in, and a 
dead-fall to smash me. 

53. And they who are greater than mine enemies shall re- 
move the traps, and take away the snares, and derange the 
triggers of the dead-fall, and it shall not smash me. 

54. So when evening was come, Francis, that is, Plowpint, 
journeyed, turning his face eastward, and came unto the 
seat of the Beast at Washington, and unto the Great Mogul. 

5'5. Then the austere Judge, when it was told him that the 
Governor had gone out from the city in obedience to the 
mandate of his sacred cow, and was even then making peti- 
tion before the Great Mogul, he ran in unto the King, 
crying, 

56. Behold, the pig-headed and perverse Governor in- 
voketh the help of the Mighty Mogul. 

57. Now, therefore, strike quick, that he that pardoneth 
others may not be able to obtain a reprieve for himself. ~ 

58. And the King, chuckling, struck, and the trap fell, 
and Plowpint ceased to be Governor of the Province. 

59. But the King had at his elbow a valiant young man, 
even Wells, who helped the Great Mogul to put the rebellion 
under the cloven hoofs of the Dragon. 

60. Now Wells was a comely, well-behaved fellow, hating 
the Ethopian for his stench, but loving him as a brother for 
his ballot, which is a precious jewel in his woolly crown. 

61. For, said he, "the colored troops fought bravely" 
against the great rebellion, and put many Rephbels to death- 



The Acts of Kings, 43 

62. And hiin, Wells, the King caused to be proclaimed 
Governor, even Governor ad interim^ until such time as 
the people of the Province should make choice. 

63. For, said the King, there is truth in "Wells, and 
in none other have I found truth, for it is a very rare 
ingredient. 

64. And Plowpint, that is no more Governor, returned ; 
yet was he ignorant of that which had been done in his ab- 
sence, and knew not that the trap had fallen, and that his 
head had been gathered. 

65. But they who were of his household, his man Friday, 
that is, Lewis, and certain of his " pets," met him, and fell at 
his feet, crying, 

Qi^. O most compassionate Governor that was, thou in- 
whom our souls delighted because of thy pardon-mill, 
thou art no longer Governor, for the King hath affixed an 
>*i to thy commission. 

67. So Plowpint knew by the M that he was an Ex-Gover- 
nor, and an " out." 

68. And thereupon he turned about straightway, nor tar 
ried so much as to change his shirt, but streaked it fast 
through the da^i-kness, back to the seat of the Beast and the 
Great Mogul once more. 

69. And there were those of the Latter Day Saints who 
followed galloping upon his twinkling heels, — not that they 
cared for him who was branded with the M, but because they 
had hoped to be Governor themselves. 

70. And among them that galloped fast and furious after 
Plowpint, tearing their robes, was Hawxhurst, the grizzly 
bear, and Bayne, the woolly ape, for they both would be 
Governor. 

71. And after them, upon the same trail, went flying cer- 
tain of the tribe of Hunnicutt, who is High Priest, and would 
also be Governor. 

72. But after all went the advocates of the new Governor, 



44 I'he Acts of Kings, 

that is, Wells, and among them went Sharp, who espoused the 
sister of the Great Mogul. 

73. And because he was Sharp, and the near kinsman of 
the Mighty Mogul, the cake prepared by the enemies of the 
new Governor became all dough. * 

74. And they saw that their cake was dough, and returned 
each sadly, as though he had been to a funeral. 

75. And it came to pass speedily that Wells was anointed 
Governor over the Province, and he dwelleth in the pleasant 
mansion on the Square. 

76. And he that was Governor goeth in and out no more ; 
neither doth the sacred cow crop the sweet grass and herbs 
of the Square, lowing at the sight of him that late walked 
therein. 

77. So, too, the noise of the grinding hath ceased, for the, 
patent pardon-mill hath been choked with an injunction. 

78. Here endeth the sixth chapter of the chronicles of the 
Acts of Kings, and the mortification of the Saints. 



CHAPTER VII. 

THE DISTRIBUTION OF PLACE.— -THE ELECT COMPLAINETH AGAINST 
THE KING BECAUSE HE HATH NOT REMEMBERED THEM. 

1. Hear, O ye disconsolate, and give ear unto the further 
interpretation of the Chronicles. 

2. For the mighty King, who hath put upon us the plagues 
of his invention, is himself troubled and plagued with an 
exceeding grievous plague. 

3. And the purple curtains of his palace are drawn to- 



The Acts of Kings, 45 

gether, that his royal chamber may be darkened, for the 
King taketh no more pleasure in the light of the sun. 

4. For behold the household of Schofield is divided, the 
happy family is disturbed, and there is no more peace but 
great dissension in the select congregation of the Latter 
Day Saints. 

5. Therefore have the Saints gone forth railing against 
the King in the streets, standing upon the corners thereof, 
hard by Morrissey's grocery, and saying, 

6. The King anointed hath made barter and sale of him- 
self, and deceived the Assembly of Radical Saints at Wash- 
ington, which is the seat of the Beast and the Great Mogul, 
who is Ulysses, and holdeth the sword. 

7. Inasmuch as he hath caused his heart to incline towards 
the Rephbels, who are the " ins," and turneth a deaf ear to 
the petitions of the " outs," who are of ourselves, and alto- 
gether loyal. 

8. Yea, in his bestowal of gifts and the wholesome pap 
of office, the King hath remembered them that in the Great 
Rebellion were arrayed against us, and against the " flag," 
even the " Johnnies." 

9. And hath refused to make place and appointment, and 
brew pleasant pap to feed unto us who were truly loyal, 
and worshipped the Beast. 

10. So it came to pass that the Saints murmured, and 
the Ethiopians murmured with the Saints, against the King, 
for they, too, had great expectations, which were come to 
naught. 

11. And they plotted together against the anointed, even 
Schofield, and gathered together in Morrissey's grocery quite 
a multitude. 

12. Now Morrissey, who is a Phaddee, loveth not the 
" nagur," but because the Ethiopians are many, he clingeth 
to their skirts that his feet, evea the feet of the " bog- 



46 The Acts of Kings. 

trotter " may be lifted out of the bog, and planted high and 
dry in a good place. 

13. Therefore he, Morrissey, the Phaddee, made entertain- 
ment for the Saints, and they that wei^ with them. 

14. And because the other was drained he tapped a new 
barrel, even a barrel of uncircumcised whiskey, and sat 
before them the little drinking cups, about the size of the 
brass thimbles of the sewing women., 

15. And the Saints were in the spirit on that day, and 
gave great praise unto Morrissey, who kept the jug, and 
replenished the cups, saying, 

16. There is none like unto Moui'issey, the Phaddee, for 
he keepeth a score, hath faith in the honesty of the Saints, 
and giveth credit to the Ethiopians. 

17. And the spirits that mingled in the cups entered into 
the Saints, and because the spirit ^ere villanous they be- 
came as villains, every one plotting villanous things. 

18. And instead of toasting, as was their wont, they drank 
confusion to the King and to his dynasty, and stirred each 
up the other, until they were all stirred up, even to a very 
high pitch. 

19. And among them stood Banner, sometimes called 
Alphabetical Danner, a Teuton, and 'the least of the petti- 
foggers, and John, surnamed Van Lew, who boasteth him- 
self because of much loyalty, and one Wigand, who is the 
man-milliner, and fulfilleth the mission of a woman. 

20. But they were all of one accord touching the thing to 
be done, and communed together as they who plot harmo- 
niously in a corner, spitting into each other's ears, and 
saying, 

21. The King hath betrayed us, and deceived' the Assem- 
bly of Radical Saints, and the Great Mogul who keepeth the 
sword. 

22. Now, therefore, will- we make tumult, and send em- 
bassy unto the seat of the Beast, that is at Washington, and 



The Acts of Kings, 47 

unto the Assembly and the Great Mogul ^ho hath the 
sword. 

23. And the embassy shall encompass the Assembly, and 
the Great Mogul who hath the sword, saying, 

24. Behold, the King, even Schofield, whom you anointed 
and sat up to be King over the first Province, is janus-faced, 
and looketh two ways. 

25. And playeth into the hands of the lukewarm and half- 
way men, ^hile he giveth the cold shoulder of his royal 
bounty to us, who bear the mark of the Beast upon our 
foreheads. 

26. Hearken, therefore, we beseech you, O Almighty 
Mogul who beareth the sword, and cause its terrible blade 
to flash abroad, and strike off the head of the truculent 
King that he may no longer reign over the Province. 

27. And raise up nf- • > us another King, even a King 
with an iron hand, like unto Philip, who is Sheridan, and 
Dan, who is Sickles, and anoint him to reign over the first 
Province, in the stead of the janus-faced King, whose triple 
crown ye shall take and bestow upon his successor. 

28. Who, in like manner, shall cut off the heads of those 
who hold place in the Province and pass-keys to the " crib," 
and shall bestow those places and pass-keys upon us who 
are the Saints, faithful among the faithless, and yearning 
each after a teat that shall yield us the public pap. 

29. Albeit, the Saints reckoned without their host. 

30. And because of the Phaddees' whiskey, which was 
villanous, the Saints, in council, made hasty resolve, and 
determined . to send an embassy to Washington and the 
Great Mogul. 

31. But filled with the spirit, and each preferring himself 
before the other, they disputed as to who was greatest 
among them, and worthy to go upon the embassy, and utter 
complaint before the Great Mogul. 

32. So they drew lots, and the lots fell upon Banner, the 



48 The Acts of Kings. 

pettifogger, and Morrissey, the Phaddee, and Van Lew, 
the boaster, and Wigand, the man-milliner. 

33. And Banner, the Teuton, him they made chief of the 
embassy, that he should be its spokesman ; for, as the least 
of the pettifoggers, he possessed the gift of gab, and was 
not afraid of a lie. 

34. And it came to pass when each of the embassy had 
equipped himself with a clean collar, and a little of the 
Phaddee's elixir of everlasting life, that they journeyed 
eastward, even toward Washington, and the place of the 
Great Mogul. 

35. And when they had come unto Acquia, which is a 
creek, they took shipping, and sailed upon the river Poto- 
mac, that runs hard by, and washes the seat of the Beast. 

36. "When the morning was fully come, they who were of 
the embassy stood forth together upon the ship at the land- 
ing, and looked eastward, and lo ! the city of muddy yet 
magnificent distances lay beyond them, lifting out of the 
waters. 

37. And in the risen sun the great Temple of the Assem- 
bly of Radical Saints shone in brass and burnished marble, 
exceedingly white, and beautiful to look upon. 

38. And the dome thereof seemed lifted exultingly, and 
hung midway between the heaven and the earth. 

39. But a great smoke ascending, wrought clouds above 
the Temple, and the place of the Great Mogul. 

40. Whereupon the embassy was troubled, and had re- 
course to the elixir of life everlasting ; for, said they, 

41. Behold, the Great Mogul, toward whom we journey, 
indulgeth, and smoketh his after-breakfast cigar. 

42. And when they had landed, and were come unto an 
inn, and had purified and refreshed and girded their loins 
anew, they set forth walking on the Avenue. 

43. And it did happen, as luck would have it, that Burn- 
ham, whose surname is Ward well (called the " cool, icy 



The Acts of Kings, 49 

man," because he maketh the people to keep cool), was 
already in the city, having journeyed thither about his own 
business. 

44. But when he saw the embassy walking towards the 
Temple, he knew them that they were brethren, for himself 
was a Saint. 

45. And straightway he made haste and ran, and joined 
himself unto them. 

46. And fell on the necks of each of them, — Banner, and 
Morrissey, and Van Lew, and Wigand, — and kissed them, 
saying, 

47. O brothers, how fares it with you, and whyfore have 
ye made the pilgrimage unto the Yankee Jerusalem, and the 
seat of the Great Mogul ? 

48. Then they told him all that had been done, and how 
they were come with grievous petition and complaint against 
the King. 

49. Now when Ward well, who is an astute man, heard of 
all these things, he was not overmuch pleased, for he was 
loth to appear among the embassy before the Great Mogul 
in an accusation against the King. 

50. Nevertheless, they constrained him, and him they 
made spokesman and interpreter in the stead of Banner, 
the pettifogger, because of his acquaintance with the Beast, 
that is Butler, and his knowledge of the ropes. 

51. And Burney, that is Wardwell, led up the embassy 
unto the shining Temple, and into the midst of the Assembly 
of Radical Saints. 

52. Who, even at that self-same hour, were sitting in 
high court of impeachment upon one Andrew, surnamed 
Johnson, because he saith he is Chief in the nation, and 
claimeth to be greater than the Almighty Mogul, who bear- 
eth the sword, and fiUeth the city with the smoke of many 
fine cigars. 

53. And they of the embassy were speechless, and dis- 

4 



50 The Acts of Kings, 



posed to sing small in the presence of the greater Saints, 
who were Saints from the beginning, and whose names filled 
the whole earth. 

54. For, compared to them, they were as pigmies walking 
between the legs of giants, or as green grasshoppers in the 
sight of mighty eagles. 

55. But, behold, the great ones of the Assembly made 
themselves little and the equals of the ambassadors, and 
hearkened unto their complaints, and patted them on the 
head until they squirmed like eels, making much of them. 

56. Likewise called they them Bully Boys, and dismissed 
them with a letter to the Great Mogul, that they might go 
into his presence with good grace and countenance. 

57. And the ambassadors went their way, bowing them- 
selves out of the Temple, and with them Wardwell, bearing 
the letter, sealed with the great red seal of the Dragon. 

58. But as they went and drew nigh unto the quarters of 
the Great Mogul, their hearts severally began to fail them, 
and became as water in their bosoms. 

59. And they would have turned back and given over their 
mission, but Wardwell, who kept his courage, was bold as a 
sheep, and spurred them as with a goad. 

60. Courage, brothers, the Great Mogul hath broken his 
fast, and like the boa that hath gorged himself, he will not 
rise up and eat us for a little relish. 

61. And they went in, the ambassadors, and it came to 
pass that when they lifted up their eyes and saw the Great 
Mogul, behold he was smoking his sixth cigar, heels over 
head, and reclining at an angle of forty-five degrees. 

62. And because the Great Mogul had magnified himself 
in the eyes of the ambassadors, the Havana that he pufled 
exceeded in size the mainmast of a very great ship, or 
a colurabiad, and the rowels upon his spurs were of the 
circumference of the paddle-wheels that move the ship. 

63. And the smoke that issued out of his mouth, and 



The Acts of Kings, 51 

helped the clouds of the heavens, was as the smoke of ten 
thousand wigvvams at cooking-time, or as the smoke of 
several furnaces in full blast, or as the smoke of Vesuvius 
in high play, so great and terrible was that smoke. 

64. And the ambassadors, in mi'ghty fear that came upon 
them suddenly, like the colic, did liken the recumbent 
Mogul unto the statue of the sleeping Buddha when he 
stretcheth himself out for his siesta, of a thousand ages. 

65. In good faith the Great Mogul dozed the least bit, 
peradventure, with one eye open, and his hand upon the 
handle of his sword. 

^^, And his sword was as the sword of the giant that went 
out to " fence" with Goliah ; for in all the world there was 
never so terrible and mighty a sword. 

67. For fashioned cunningly and two-edged, it cutteth 
backward and forward in the hands of a strong man^ and 
cleaveth through the Constitution and the laws, and is 
stayed only at the tln'oat of the Chief Magistrate of the 
universal nation. 

68. Moreover, the SWORD hath become the political 
scissors that cutteth out and shai^eth the law. 

69. For know ye that henceforth, until the coming of the 
third flood, which is foretold, the SWORD is the law. 

70. Now, when it was told the Mogul, that mighty man 
who holdeth the sword, that an embassy bore a complaint 
concerning the King of the First Province, he rose up on 
end, and it was as though a great tree had arisen in its 
place, and cast its shadow on them that were underneath. 

71. And the ashes that fell from his cigar the ambassadors 
and servants made haste to gather, and, stooping down, they 
took it up and put it upon their heads, and bowed themselves 
exceeding low, after the fashion of the Japs in the presence 
of the Micado. 

72. And when he had fired upon his seventh cigar, and the 
incense of tobacco burning had lifted somewhat, he took 



52 The Acts of Kings, 

the letter, and read the writing that the ambassadors had 
brought as a greeting from the Assembly of Radical Saints 
at the Temple. 

73. But, because the Great Mogul ceased not to smoke, 
he enveloped himself in clouds as in a garment, and the 
ambassadors saw not his face. 

74. And the seventh cigar was consumed before he had 
ceased to ruminate upon the writing, and the Mogul pro- 
ceded with another, even an eighth cigar. 

75. Nor offered he any to the ambassadors, presenting his 
case, and saying, 

76. Take a cigar? 

77. Howsomever, when the eighth cigar was, in like man- 
ner, exhaled, and he had knocked the sacred ashes into a 
silver tra}^, the Mogul cast the stump from him into the 
spittoon. 

78. Then behold, Morrissey, the Phaddee, went for it, 
and plucked the stump from the slime, and bestowed it upon 
himself, saying, 

79. Eureka ! This shall be a fragrant souvenir of the 
Great Mogul. 

80. And the ambassadors opened straightway their budget, 
and made known their grievances concerning the King 
of the Province, who is Schofield, laying them at the feet of 
the Great Mogul. 

81. And the mighty Mogul made answer, and it was as 
though the seven thunders had uttered their voices, or an 
earthquake had stamped its foot, impatient of the time. 

82. And the lightning that runneth to and fro on wires 
caught up the voice of the Great Mogul, and flashed its 
import to the uttermost parts of the earth, and to the great 
cities therein. 

83. And even while he was yet speaking, it was told in 
New York, and in the city of the Seven Hills. 

84. Behold, the Great Mogul hath spoken, and the King 



TJic Ads of Kings* , 53 

of Kings, who bearetb the supreme sword, maketh ready to 
cut off the head of a truculent King, that is under him, and 
bestow his crown upon another. 

85. Now, therefore, were the ambassadors well pleased, 
and, going out from the presence of the Great Mogul with- 
out the anticipated flea in ear, they each turned a flip- 
flap, and danced the Juba to the patting of Morrissey, the 
Phaddee. 

86. And as they had journeyed eastward, so they turned 
again unto the southward, and returned unto the Province 
and the city wherein they dwelt. 

87. But the Mogul, who is King of the five Kings, 
wrote unto the King of the first Province, who is Schofield, 
and sent the writing unto him by a chosen messenger of his 
military household, saying, 

88. Be not concerned because of the ambassadors, for 
they are busy-bodies, tale-bearers, meddlesome, tattling, 
and envious. 

89. And, behold, I have seasoned their sayings with a 
wholesome allowance of salt. 

90. Therefore the King liveth, and hath not ceased to 
reign. 

91. Here endeth the seventh chapter of the Acts of Kings, 
*and the testimony of the patience of the Saints. 



54 The Acts of Kijigs, 



CHAPTER VIII. 

A LAMENTATION BECAUSE OF THE KING, WHO STIRRETH UP THE 
CITY WITH A GENERAL ORDER. 

1. "VVoe, woe, woe ! Woe unto the city of the Seven Hills, 
and the inhabitants thereof, because of the things that are 
yet to come to pass. 

2. Woe unto her high places, and them that are in them ; 
unto her tabernacles, and they that go in and out. 

3. Woe unto her chosen servants, her counsellors, and 
they who have the keeping of the city, who hold the keys, 
and bear the staves of authority. 

4. For the time cometh, and is even now, when the King 
strengtheneth his hold, and taketh a new grip upon the 
throats of this people. 

5. And herein is the yet farther fulfilment of the Radical 
Talmud, and that which was foretold by the prophets and 
soothsayers : 

6. Behold, they shall take awa}^ thine inheritance, and be- 
stow it upon aliens ; and strangers shall fill thy high places, 
bearing the keys of the city, and the staves of authority. • 

7., And ye who are of the city indeed shall become as 
strangers in the midst of it, walking humbly in familiar 
places, even as those who have neither part nor lot in any- 
thing. 

8. Therefore hearken unto the continuance of the sorrow- 
ful chronicles, that the Acts of the King may be further 
recorded. 

9. Now it came to pass that on the first day of the new 
month, even All Fool's Day, the King made jQt another 
proclamation, and stirred up the city with a general order. 

10. And the city was mightily stirred up because of the 



The Acts of Kings. 55 

order, for, verily, it was very sweeping, like unto a new 
broom, sweeping out the pleasant places of the city. 

11. And they that held office and were the servants of the 
city, were sore amazed, and said one unto the other, Who 
shall be able to stand ? 

12. Behold, the King prepareth to comb the city with a 
fine-tooth comb, and setteth an exceeding^ fine net through 
which the minnows only shall escape. 

13. And John, surnamed Knowles, who keepeth the gas 
metre, and Julius, surnamed Hobson, who gathereth the taxes, 
and all who held pleasant places in the Temple, gathered 
together, consoling one with the other, sajdng, 

14. The hour cometh, and in a little while we who are the 
" ins " shall be the " outs," for they who are the " outs," but 
desire to be the " ins," have triumphed. 

15. Therefore let us console together. 

16. And they consoled together straightway in a little 
whiskey plain. 

17. But the Counsellors, called the City Fathers, because 
they rule in the city, were even yet more cast down. 

18. For it had gone forth that the King even then prepared 
to make their places empty and void. 

19. And they came together in the pleasant Council Cham- 
ber at the Temple, looking very grave. 

20. And among them was Macfarland, that is Apello, 
and Epps, who is Vulcan, and Saunders, who went upon the 
bond of the king's brother, whom they had anointed to be 
city assessor. 

21. And likewise, they, the Counsellors, consoled together 
in a little whiskey plain, saying, 

22. The hour cometh, and in a little while we who are the 
*' ins" shall be the " outs," for they who are the "outs," but 
desire to be the "ins," have triumphed. 

23. And the Counsellors sent for the Tycoon, and he came 



56 TJie Acts of Kings, 

out of his chamber into the Council Hall, and consoled with 
them. 

24. Albeit, the Tycoon was easy in his slippers, because 
of the speckled purps that had found him favor in the 
eyes of the King, and the slaughtered deer he had brought 
out of the wilderness of New Kent, and added unto his peace 
offering. 

25. And the Chief of the Mandarins, John, surnamed 
Poe, who fought in the great Rebellion, and the twelve Cap- 
tains of Mandarins who are under him, gathered together in 
the watch-towers of the city. 

26. And their countenances were blue, even as their gar- 
ments were blue. 

27. Likewise they consoled together, the Chief with his 
Captains, and the Captains with one another, saying, 

28. The hour cometh, and in a little while we who are 
the " ins " shall be the " outs," for those who are the " outs," 
but desire to be the " ins," have triumphed. 

29. And the watchmen of the cit}^, who are the Manda- 
rins, went upon their beats, and about the streets in the 
night-time, rapping with their staves one unto the other 
mournfully, and saying, 

30. Alas ! for the city of the Seven Hills, and for the peace- 
ful dwellers therein, when the staves of authority that we 
now bear are delivered into the hands of the conspirators, 
who are our enemies. 

31. When the thieves, and evil-doers, and workers of in- 
iquit}^ shall pin upon their garments the badge of the city's 
Mandarins, to watch upon the streets and in her towers. 

32. For the hour cometh, and we who are the " ins " shall 
be the " outs," for they who are the " outs," but desire to be 
the " Ins," have triumphed. 

33. And the elect, who are to be the new servants of the 
city, filling the pleasant places thereof, heard the lamenta- 
tions of them to whom the hour cometh, and is even now. 



The Ads of Kings. 57 

34. And they mocked them, saying, 

35, Who now shall hold the keys and bear the staves of 
authority and the maces of the Mandarins ? 

36. And partake of the pleasant "pap" of office ruling 
in the high places of the city ? 

37, Here endeth the eighth chapter of the Acts of Kings, 
and the lamentations of the servants of the city. 



CHAPTER IX. 

THE KING REMOVETH THE TYCOON AND APPOINTETII ANOTHER, 

EVEN A SECOND TYCOON. A NEW KING REIGNETH OVER 

THE PROVINCE. 

1. Here beginneth the New Testament of the Acts of 
Kings, because he who was late King, that is, Schofield, 
hath ceased to rule in the Province. Selah ! 

2. But that which hath been written of the first King shall 
stand ; for, behold, he was a bruiser in his wa}-, and after his 
own fashion. Selah ! 

3. For, being King, even above Andy, who sittetli in the 
White House at Washington, he reigned over the Province, 
and worked his own good will and pleasure. 

4. And the Assembly of Saints was in accord with the 
King, as also was the Great Mogul, that is, Grant, and being 
in accord, the King, who hath late passed his crown and 
sceptre unto another, ruled the Province with a rod of iron. 

5. And because he was over-persuaded by the carpet-bag- 
gers and scalawags, strange men who had swelled in impor- 
tance and been greatly puffed up and magnified by the rul- 



58 The Acts of Kings, 

ing of the King, he gave place to them each according to his 
deserts. 

C. And because the King, that is, Schofield, was in accord 
with them that rule, he was sore beset by the army of the 
carpet-baggers and scalawags, a great host, such as no man 
could number, even greater in number than the sands upon 
the seashore. 

7. And they cried unto the King, saying. Give us place, 
that we may deliver the Province into the possession of 
the Negro, for he is a lever that shall be a power in 
our hands. 

8. So the King hearkened unto the petition of the carpet- 
baggers and scalawags, and made place for them. 

9. And he took the Tycoon, that is, Maj^o, and held him 
over a very great precipice, saying, 

10. O Tycoon ! unless thou swearest by all the oaths that 
shall be hidden thee, behold thy official blood be upon thine 
own head. 

11. But the T^xoon was loathe to swear, for he had sworn 
over-much in times past. 

12. Then the King, mighty of arm, shook the Tycoon yet 
once more over the mighty precipice. 

13. And the Tycoon bethought himself of the speckled 
purps, and the goodly haunch of venison with which he had 
sent greeting unto the King. 

14. Moreover, he jogged the remembrance of the King ; 
but the King was deaf; for, behold, the purps had been stolen 
away, and the venison served upon the King's table. 

15. Therefore there remained nothing more for the Tycoon. 

16. And when the King had shaken the Tycoon once more 
above the horrible precipice, he loosened his hold, and the 
Tycoon fell. 

17. And the fall was like unto a great rock cast into the 
sea ; for the Tycoon had been long in office, and there was 
none to take the place out of his hands. 



Til a Acts of Kings, 59 

18. Likewise the King, who held the Province like a peb- 
ble in a sling, removed every man out of his place, until there 
was none w^ho could say, 

19. Behold, I am a servant of the city, chosen by the people 
thereof. 

20. Howsomever, the King exalted one George, surnamed 
Chahoon, a carpet-bagger, to be Tycoon in the stead of the 
Tycoon whom he had cast down. 

21. And Chahoon was crowned Tycoon the Second, and 
upon him was bestowed the two swords that are the badge 
of the Tycoon ruling in the city. 

22. So, armed with the two swords, the new Tycoon began 
to lay about him, slaying whomsoever it pleased him 
to slay. 

23. But it came to pass that the Select of the General 
Assembly of Radical Saints who sat in judgment against the 
Chief Ruler of the nation, that is, Andy, surnamed Johnson, 
failed. 

24. And because they failed to move the Chief Ruler out 
of his seat, the Select of the Radical Assembly, like men in 
dire straits, came suddenly to their wits' end. 

25. And the Great Mogul, Grant, who smoketh continu- 
ally, and seeketh the seat of the Chief Ruler, being privy to 
all that' was done, smoked yet the more, for he was wroth as 
a bear because the Select Assembl}'' had failed to make vacant 
the seat of the Chief Ruler. 

26. But Benjamin, surnamed Wade, who would have suc- 
ceeded to the high place for a little season, gnawed his 
tongue, even as a man in a fit gnaweth his tongue, or a rat a 
file. 

27. Nevertheless, the people rejoiced, and made great ado, 
with the noise of music and cannon, and great shouting, as 
they who rejoice when the plague hath passed them by and left 
no dead in their habitations. 

28. Then Stanton, that is, Satan, that old serpent of |ihe 



6o The Ads of Kings, 

War Office, who had defied the Chief Ruler, when it came to 
his ears, coiled up his tail, even as an adder coileth up her 
tail, and glided away. 

29. So the War Office, was made very desolate, for there was 
no more Stanton. 

30. Even his ad interim^ Thomas, fought shy of the seat, 
lest, peradventure, the serpent coil about his neck, and seduce 
him with a kiss and a glass of whiskey straight. 

31. But the Chief Ruler who held his seat, plucking up 
courage, ruminated as to whom he should send to sit in the 
easy-chair of Stanton, who had left his lair, even as an en- 
venomed serpent that glideth away. 

32. And he hit upon Schofield, King of the First Province ; 
for he knew that the people of the Province had been mightily 
put upon by Schofield, and would be glad to be ridden of his 
rule. 

33. So the Chief Ruler did a smart thing, and sent unto 
the Select Assembly the name of Schofield, to the end that 
he mig^ht be confirmed Secretary of War, instead of Stanton. 

34. Then the Select took counsel together, and anointed 
Schofield ; for, said they, He is one of us, and we will j^et cir- 
cumvent the traitor of the White House. 

35. And when the news was brought to King Schofield at 
Richmond, he laid aside his triple crown and went up to 
Washington, the seat of the Radical Beast. 

36. And it came to pass that when he had smoked a cigar 
with the Great Mogul, it was arranged who it was that should 
succeed him, and wear the triple crown he had laid aside. 

37. And the Chief Ruler, who w^as yet not wholly easy in 
his oflScial shoes, pitched upon one George, surnamed Stone- 
man, and him they declared, by proclamation, to be ruler 
over the First Province, instead of the first King. 

38. Now Stoneman was a mighty man against the Rebel- 
lion, and spoiled the Rephbels muchly, raiding at the head of 
many vciliant horsemen. 



The Acts of Kings, 6i 

39. Albeit he was very terrible, riding iiigU up unto the 
city over which he is now appointed to reign, laying waste 
much good heritage, ravishing and destroying, and bearing 
away many of the people thereof into captivity. 

40. And the new King came ; and behold, there were none 
to receive him and make much over him save Wells, who is 
Governor, and Bond, who taketh fees of the bankrupts, and 
others of the baser sort. 

41. But the people who are truly of the city went each 
into his own house, and shut the doors that they might not 
look upon the face of the new King. 

42. For, said they, Per ad venture, we have swapped the 
devil for a witch. 

43. Now the acts of the new King who hath been raised 
up to rule over this Province are not yet made manifest. 

44. But whether they be good or whether they be evil, be- 
hold, they shall all be found written in the new Chronicles of 
the Acts of Kings of which this is the beginning. 

45. Here endeth the Chronicles of the Acts of the first 
King, and beginneth the Chronicles of the new King. 



CHAPTER X. 

THE KING MOVETH A PEG OR TWO. BUT FEKLETH HIS "WAT 

WARILY. 

1. Hearken unto the new revelations, for of a verity they 
are the truth, and as the truth they shall appear, when all 
the things written herein shall have come to pass. 

2. For the new King is an austere man, very reseutfcil 
reaping where he hath not sown. 



62 The Acts of Kings. 

3. Now the King being newly come unto the city, he was 
fresh in his office, and moved as one that steppeth upon 
eggs, fearful that he might step upon and crush the best of 
them. 

4. Therefore he was wary, and hardly moved a peg. 

5. But he was hardly cool in his seat, the King, before a 
mesgage was brought unto him from him who was late King, 
but who had given avvay his triple crown unto another, that 
is, Stoncman. 

6. Now, when they that proclaim the tidings gathered from 
the streets of the city, and from the four corners of the earth, 
and sent forth the flying sheets in the morning, heard of 
this message, the}' sounded the praises of the late King, 
and straightway made eulogium upon him that reigned in his 
stead. 

7. For, said they, we' are as weak lambs between two 
lions ; and while the one that is gone may return and rend 
us, the other that is with us may stay and devour us. 

8. Therefore they fed both with compliments, even as a 
man who, finding no shelter, seeketh to make peace with two 
ravenous beasts of prey, that lick their chops and hanker 
after his own innocent blood. 

9. But Stoneman, who is King, for shame's sake, would 
have made him a new pattern, even a new j^oke, with which 
to yoke the rebellious people of the Province. 

10. For, said he, the yoke of the late King is as a velvet 
cord upon the shoulders of this stiff-necked and rebellious 
people. 

11. Therefore will I execute a new yoke, even a yoke of 
withes and thorns, armed with an iron goad, that shall prick 
them up, even as oxen that are harnessed to a loyal drag. 

12. And because the King remembered how when the 
Rephbels prevailed, and he coming against them with horse- 
men, was chased and set at naught, he resolved in his heart 
to take vengeance upon such of the Rephbels who had put off 



The Acts of Kings, ^2> 

their armor and remained in the city, each going about his 
own business. 

13. And Stoneman, because he was in the midst of them, 
the Rephbels who had chased him aforetimes, caused his wrath 
to burn against them. 

14. Albeit, he shook in his shoes, even as a man shaketh 
in his shoes who is stricken with palsy. 

15. For he feared the Ku-Klux. 

16. Thereupon the King sent in great haste for certain of 
the household of Schofield, young men of fine feathers, who 
fattened upon beer, saying, 

17. How fared your lord and King, and feared he the Ku- 
Klux? 

18. And the young men, who were trusty and strong, and 
bore the shield and weapons of war, told the King all, nor 
kept back anything. 

19. Therefore, when the King had hearkened unto them, 
he was silent for a space, and an exceeding great fear fell 
upon him, even as a spring ague falleth upon a fellow with- 
out warning or a preliminary chill. 

20. And his spirit went out of him and hovered apart, 
until recalled by a little Mountain Dew, which is a spirit of 
itself, very agreeable, and not hard to take. 

21. But, in the space of half an hour, the King was him- 
self again, and spake : 

22. Anew broom sweepeth clean; I will confound the 
proverb, and strike down no more of the cobwebs that these 
Eephbels have builded. 

23. Neither will I add another bow-knot to the garland 
about their necks, lest they turn upon me and double the 
cord about mine own throat. 

24. Now, when all these things came to the unwaxed ears 
of the carpet-baggers and scalawags, they who wait in the 
porch of the office and about the healing pool, they were 
greatly concerned. 



64 The Acts of Kings. 

25. So much so, that they made deputation unto the King ; 
and Banner, who is called Alphabetical Banner, stood up as 
spokesman, for he was greatest among them all. 

26. And made speech unto the King, like unto the Ger- 
man text, railing against them that were yet in place, be- 
cause of the lukewarmness of the late King, who had stayed 
his hand and failed to move them out of the pleasant places 
that yield much loyal pap. 

27. But Banner, who is a pettifogger, lacketh weight, and 
because he fought on both sides of the rebellion, straddling 
the fence, his speech fell flat as beer drawn over night. 

28. So the King was not moved, neither were his Counsel- 
lors, who were with him. - 

29. But the King, anxious to be firmly seated before the 
Ku-Klux should be upon him, like a hawk upon a sparrow 
that hath tormented him, went in unto and habitated the 
chambers of Schofield, even the pleasant mansion that was 
once on a time the habitation of Jefferson, surnamed Bavis, 
who was Chief Ruler in the Confederac3^ 

30. So that habitation being made desolate, as the Scrip- 
tures foretold, the same is given over to Yankee owls and 
bats, to browse and brood therein. 

31. Peradventure, the King is haunted b}^ the gray appari- 
tion of a Rephbel at the door. 

32. Maybe he awaiteth his orders, as the gray orderly 
of the olden time awaited the orders of him who was chief 
among us. 

33. Both the King dream? Behold, I will flirt a banner 
about his head, with the gleam of eleven stars and sundry 
bars. 

34. Hath the King an ear for music? Behold, I will 
breathe into his ear the dulcet notes from an unseen instru- 
ment, and the breathings shall be of the South land and 
Southern men. 

35. Will the Kimr awake? 



The Acts of Kings, 65 

36. Behold, he waketh and readeth aright the sign written 
in letters that dissolve one by one, gathered by an unseen 
hand, that seemeth dead, but yet hath life. 

37. Liberty of God is born, and never dies ; what God 
hath written no man is worthy to blot out. 

38. Here endeth the second chapter of the New Testament 
of the Acts of Kings, being the Chronicles of the deeds of 
the Second King. 



CHAPTER XI. 

THE TYCOON PURGETH THE MANDARINS, AND GATIIERETH 
THE HEADS OF THEM THAT ARE DISLOYAL. 

1. Now the second Tycoon, that is, Chahoon, the carpet- 
bagger, reigned over the city ; but the second King, that is, 
George, called Stoneman, was above the T3^coon, and held 
the sceptre of the Province. 

2. And the Mandarins who were under the Tycoon, and 
who had been of the Rephbels, were an eyesore in the sight 
of the Tycoon. 

3. For he was very loyal and a carpet-bagger, and had 
many friends among the tribes of carpet-baggers and scala- 
wags with whom he sought to strengthen his hands. 

4. But, behold, it was not easy to find accusation against 
these Mandarins who were eyesores in the sight of the Ty- 
coon, for they had each been very faithful in his office, 
watching upon the streets and keeping the city. 

5. So the Tycoon gave the cue to certain of the scalawags 
who dwelt in the city, and thej^ straightway began to bring 
accusation. 

6 



66 The Acts of Kings, 

6. Against the Mandarins who were faithful, and against 
the Chief of Mandarins, John, surnamed Poe, who had been 
a mighty man in the Rebellion. 

7. And they cried out against him, saying, 

8. This man was a little giant among the Rephbels, and 
led them out in the battalion to fight against the armies of 
the loyal coming from the North. 

9. Likewise were accusations brought against many others 
of the Mandarins who, in the years of the great Rebellion, . 
had warred with gun against the Northmen, or spoken with 
tongue against the King anointed, and the Assembly of 
Radical Saints. 

10. For to have put on a gray garment in those da3^s was 
a sin against loyalty not to be forgiven. 

1 1 . Moreover, to have fasted or feasted with a Rephbel in 
those days was a sin. 

12. Also to have whistled Dixie, very softly even, was 
a sin. 

13. Yea, verily, are they not the unpardonable sins 
decreed in the Talmud of Radical faith, and the Scriptures 
of the truly loyal? 

1. Now, when the Tycoon had hearkened unto the accu- 
sations of the scalawags, uttered against the Mandarins, he 
went into a brown study. 

15. For he was troubled, and knew not upon what pre- 
tence or excuse to gather the heads of the Mandarins, be- 
cause he feared a tumult among the people. 

16. For the Mandarins were faithful, keeping the peace 
and property of the city for many j^ears, watching upon 
the streets both day and night, rapping good cheer one unto 
the other. 

17. Now, the seventh day of the sixth month was very 
warm, even the beginning of the heated term, and, for fear 
the sun might smite him, the King kept his chamber, a wet 
turban about his head. 



The Acts of Kings, 67 

18. And a lackey in blue ever waited before him, waving 
a fan of turkey tail, and anon mixing juleps of Bourbon, 
gurgling ice, and aromatic mint. 

19. And he moved not a peg. 

20. But the Tycoon had the ear of the King, and he went 
in unto him burdened with his accusations against the 
Mandarins. 

21. And Eaton, his Scribe, was with him, and bear the 
records. 

22. And it came to pass that it was agreed between them, 
the King and the Tycoon, that the King should turn away 
his face and seem not to behold the deeds done by the 
Tycoon. 

23. For was he not chief in his place, ruling in the city 
even as the King ruled in the Province ? 

24. So the Tycoon winked and went out, and returned to 
his own Temple in the market-place, hard by Chimborazo 
Hill. 

25. Then the Scribe of the Tycoon, cunning and quick 
with the pen, wrote and sent messages unto certain of the 
Mandarins who had been selected for sacrifice, saying, 

26. Confusion unto you, and thus sayeth the Tycoon : 

27. Because ye were Rephbels and have not repented nor 
become scalawags, behold, j^our office, its mace, its honors 
and emoluments, are taken away from you, that you may no 
more be officers of mine. 

28. And behold, your office, its mace, its honors and emolu- 
ments, are given unto others, those that are scalawags, who 
have eaten their peck of Radical dirt and crawled on their 
bellies before the Tycoon. 

29. And when the decree had gone forth, there was a noise 
of shouting abroad in the city, and the scalawags cried with 
one accord, 

30. O Tycoon, live forever ! 

31. And the Ethiopians who hoped to have given unto 



68 The Acts of Kings. 

them the freedom of the city caught up the shout and 
cried, 

32. O Tycoon, live forever and a day ! 

33. Straightway the Tycoon, feeling himself strengthened, 
drew his two swords and cut off the heads of Mandarins 
nearly twoscore. 

34. Now, when the Chief of the Mandarins, that is Poe, 
saw that the Tycoon had gathered of the heads of his favor- 
ite Mandarins nearly twoscore, he made complaint unto the 
Tycoon, saying, 

35. Wherefore, O Tycoon, am I not accounted equally 
guilty with them whose heads thou hast gathered ? 

36. Therefore, I pray you, take off my head also, that I 
too may die the death of the faithful, lest peradventure the 
stain of the scalawag rest upon me. 

37. But the Tycoon would not gather the head of the 
Chief of the Mandarins, though he bowed his neck to the 
sword. 

38. Then behold the Chief, disconsolate because of the 
slain, would have died by hari-kari, but was restrained. 

39. Now, about this time, it came swiftly to pass that the 
word of the under-King, Gordon, surnamed Granger, who is 
next to the King, and overlooketh the city, came unto the 
Tycoon, saying, 

40. I command you that j' ou put up thy two swords and . 
cease to war against the Mandarins, making vacant their 
places. 

41. And the T3^coon thus commanded durst not to the con- 
trary, but put up his swords and ceased to gather the heads 
of the Mandarins. 

42. But the Tycoon was exceeding wroth with the under- 
King because he had made him to cease from the slaughter 
of the Mandarins, and the strengthening of his own hands 
with the scalawags. 

43. So he went privily unto the King and poisoned his ear 



The Acts of Kings, 69 

against the uncler-King, even as one poisonetli a chalice that 
he that drinketh therein may die. 

44. And the King caused the under-King to be relieved 
from his household, and gave him much furlough, that he 
might travel into far-off places and see his mother and rela- 
tions. 

45. For the under-king was a Democrat, swearing by Sey- 
mour and Blair, and hating small tyrants. 

46. So the Tycoon seemeth to triumph, and now prepareth 
to strike with his swords again, even as the rattlesnake that 
soundeth his rattles, giving warning. 

47. Here endeth the third chapter of the Acts of the New 
King, and the Chronicles of the Doings of the Second 
Tycoon. 



CHAPTER XII. 

THE KING REMOVETH HIM THAT GATHERED TITHES FOR 
TAXES, AND APPOINTETH A SUCCESSOR IN HIS STEAD. 

1. Now it straightway came to pass in the seventh month 
that the Tycoon, who is Chahoon, the carpet-bagger, went on 
a journey. 

2. And Peebles, the silversmith, who was one of twelve 
lawgivers of the city, reigned in his absence, weighing out 
justice in the court of the Temple. 

3. And the going away of the Tycoon was like the pass- 
ing of a cloud from before the face of the sun, for it lifted a 
shadow from the countenances of the Mandarins who had 
been persecuted by him very grievously. 

4. And the Tycoon that journeyed took with him his car- 
pet-bag ; for, behold, he was a carpet-bagger. 



70 The Acts of Kings. 

5. So he went two da3's' journey to the North, to embrace 
his parents and his kinfolk, that they might make much of 
him, because of the good luck that had raised him up to rule 
over and spoil the Rephbels who dwell in the city of the 
Seven Hills. 

6. But the King tarried in the city with one eye open and 
an ear to the windward, and went not forth to see his parents 
and kinfolk, lest, peradventure, the Rephbels rise up in sedi- 
tion and possess themselves of the city and the Province. 

7. And a certain man of the tribe of scalawags, one 
Wigand, called the man-milliner, was collector in the city, 
and gathered of the substance of the people tithes for taxes. 

8. But he was despised of all the people, certain of whom 
provoked the gamins to chalk scalawag on his door-stoop, and 
pin papers to his garments, and run before and behind him, 
shouting mockingly in the streets. 

9. So when the Counsellors had come together in their 
upper chamber, they disputed together over the bond that 
Wigand, the man-milliner, had given, to the end that he 
would be honest in his office, and render unto Caesar the 
things that are Caesar's, even to the uttermost skad. 

10. And Saunders, who coppered on the ace of the first 
King's brother, that is, Schofield, who is assessor, opened his 
mouth and spake, saying, 

11. As I live and the King reigneth, this man's bond is as 
a bond of straw ; therefore am I not as green as grass. 

12. And certain other of the Counsellors held forth, 
saying, 

13. As I live and the King reigneth, if this man robbeth 
the city we shall be without remedy. 

14. And they debated, disputing among themselves until 
the going down of the sun. 

15. And the Counsellors, so moved were they, would 
have risen up and gone unto the place of the tithes-gatherer, 
and cast him forth. 



The Acts of Kings, 71 

16. But that they feared the King, and knew not which 
way the cat would jump. 

17. So they restrained themselves and, forthwith proclaim- 
ing the office vacant, straightway pitched upon him who 
should succeed the man-milliner, gathering tithes of the peo- 
ple for taxes. 

18. And they pitched upon Edward, surnamed Winne, 
because of his winning ways, who, though a Northman, was 
very acceptable to the people, for he had not sought to pos- 
sess their inheritance nor take away their birthright and 
mess of porridge. 

19. And when this was done, it came to pass that the 
Counsellors sent deputation unto Wigand the man-milliner, 
saying, 

20. Thy bond is a bond of straw, and because thou hast 
not given us a good bond, behold, thy office. is made vacant 
as a last year's nest. 

21. Now, therefore, we beseech thee, restrain thy wrath, 
and deliver up into the keeping of these servants of the city 
the books and bullion, even the greenbacks that thou hast 
taken of tithes for taxes from the people. 

22. But Wigand would not, but, lifting his eyelids betwixt 
finger and thumb, made inquiry as to the presence of any- 
thing green. 

23. Moreover, he laughed to scorn them that were of the 
deputation, and sent them away empty-handed. 

24. For Banner, the pettifogger, was with him, and gave 
him, as was his wont, much legal advice, counselling resist- 
ance and a petition to the King. 

25. So the deputation returned empty-handed to the 
Council Chamber, and the Counsellors who had sent them. 

26. And when it was* told them how Wigand had defied 
the deputation, they swear each a very terrible oath, saying, 

27. As we live and the King reigneth, this man shall 
cease from his office. 



72 The Acts of Kings. 

28. And they sent another deputation, even a deputation 
unto the King, saying, 

29. Thy servant, whom thou hast appointed to gather 
tithes for taxes in the city, defieth us who are the Coun> 
sellors. 

30. Neither will he make good his bond that he render 
unto Caesar the things that are Caesar's. 

31. And the King, hearkening, stretched forth his hand 
and wrote something. 

32. And upon that he had written the King affixed his 
signet and the great seal, even the black seal of the First 
Province and the Second King. 

33. And he gave the writing unto the chief of the depu- 
tation, and they bare it forth, and came again unto the 
Council Chamber, and the place of him that gathered tithes 
for taxes, but whose hour had now come. 

34. And when Wigand had received the writing of the 
King, and understood that he had written, his countenance 
fell a foot or so, his face changed and became as scarlet, or 
as a garden beet when it is very red. 

35. But when his tongue was loosened he opened his 
mouth and spake, saying, 

36. It is well ; the King hath spoken ; his servant is thine 
truly. 

37. And Wigand, who was no more to gather tithes for 
taxes, gave up unto the keeping of the deputation the books 
and bullion, even the greenbacks he had taken for taxes. 

38. And laid hold upon and shook the skirts of his gar- 
ment, saying, 

39. Thus do I clear my skirts ; see ye to it that thy ser- 
vant hath been honest in his office. 

40. Now, of a verity, like Ananias of old, of whom the 
Scriptures relate, he had kept back part. 

41. But he fell not down dead straightway, for as yet no 
man had accused him. 



The Acts of Kings, 73 

4 2. And Wigancl, who was yery sorrowful, went out from 
the presence of the Counsellors, and Banner, his comforter, 
went with him. 

43. And in the great square of the city they sat down and 
wept sore together, for the purse of the city had been taken 
away from them, and there was no more pap. 

44. Now it came to pass that when the Counsellors had 
come together again, they would have confirmed the new 
tithes-gatherer in his office. 

45. For, behold, he was ready, and waited in the chamber 
with his bondsmen, who were known and approved of all men. 

46. But certain of the Counsellors, because they were 
wroth, — Pelouze, who casteth types, and Sharpe, the man 
of letters, and Van Lew, the renegade, and Humphreys, the 
blower, — they of the kindred tribes of Scalawag and Carpet- 
Bagger, stood afar off, and came not nigh unto the Council 
Chamber where the Counsellors were assembled. 

47. And Oliver, the Ethiopian, was sent messenger unto 
them, beseeching them ; but they would not, for they loved 
Wigand, who was of them, hating Winne, who was against 
them. 

48. Now, whilst all these things were coming to pass, that 
the Radical Scriptures might be fulfilled, the scribes, cun- 
ning with figures running up the column, into whose hands 
had been placed the books and bullion and greenbacks that 
Wigand the tithes-gatherer had given up, made report unto 
the Counsellors. 

49. And the figures that never lie informed against the 
embezzler, and lo ! there was wanting eleven thousand 
pieces of money, that he had gathered of tithes for taxes. 

50. So the figures cried out against Wigand, and the 
whole city was moved, for his bond was a bond of straw 
and there was no remedy. 

51. For, like Ananias, he had kept back part, and thought 
to hoodwink the lord of the Treasury, who is Saunders. 



74 The Acts of Kings, 

52. Now, what will the keeper of the Treasury and tl^p 
Counsellors do with the unfaithful servant who hath hidden 
away the eleven thousand pieces of money, even as a squirrel 
hideth his stores of nuts in due season against the days of 
winter and want ? 

53. They will take him, and, unless he restore the utter- 
most farthing, 

54. Behold, they will lay hold upon him, even by the 
throat, saying, 

55. Pay what thou owest of thy unjust gains, even to the 
uttermost farthing. 

56. And if he will not, they shall send him before the 
tribunal, and the jury shall send him before the Judge, and 
the Judge shall send him to the House of Reform, whose 
keeper is Wardwell. 

57. And Wardwell shall put upon him a striped garment, 
and give unto his hand the tablets of the multiplication 
table, that he be instructed therein and err no more in his 
figures. 

58. But, meantime, Edward, whose surname is Winne, 
because of his winning ways, gathereth the tithes for taxes. 

59. Here endeth the fourth chapter of the Acts of the 
Second King, and the Chronicles of the Patience of the 
People. 

Note. — Subsequent chapters will appear in the second 
edition of this work, if one is demanded. 



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